At Least One Remains

Of the three foxes (mom and kits) that gamboled and hunted in our yard in spring and early summer, one seems to have remained. I like to think it's the mother. Yesterday we saw her having breakfast! The photos are not ideal. She sat and started to eat.

However, we were getting our own breakfast in the kitchen, and I think she sensed our movement, because she trotted off to find privacy.

This afternoon I watched her meander through. She explored the entirety of the yard, sniffing at the bird baths in search of water (and found some). Leaving scat in the yard.    

She was quite thorough in her perusal.

And she came quite close to the back door, sniffing the patio intently. 

I'm certain she will return, because this afternoon my husband is smoking tri-tip, and the scent of the meat is very compelling!

A Sunday Walk

Yesterday my husband and I headed off to Calero County Park to hike. It's mostly exposed grassland, with steep rolling hills that eventually lead into California Oak woodland. Along the way spots of chaparral appear, and near water, even small creeks, it becomes riparian. It was a total of four miles and the day was sunny, mid-70s, with an occasional gentle breeze. Now and then we would pause to rest and observe. I'm always amazed by the oak trees.

For example, this is a branch. Oak trees grow crooked and gnarled. They are massive. I've wondered why. Brief research tells me there are four main reasons:

• Phototropism: they chase sunlight, meaning they even bend sideways to find light and space if they are threatened by tree canopy.
• Wind resistance: spiraled trunks and branches help the trees withstand wind so they are resilient and don't break.
• Gravity and soil movement: on steep hillsides, soil can shift minutely, causing young roots to also move. To compensate and resume upward growth, the tree employs specialized cells to grow "tension wood". This is what makes them curved.
• Loss of main leaders: sometimes the central tip of a young tree breaks off. This allows other branches to compensate and creates a gnarled and wide crown.

Eventually we reached the bluff above the reservoir.

There is no trail access down to the water. Another entrance allows for boats to be launched. As far as I can tell, this is not a swimming lake, as it's a water source for the community.

My stamina being a bit limited, we decided to turn around at this point. We traversed two steep hills (both going up and down) and reached the top of the last one. In the distance I could see the parking lot and our car. So tempting to think about cutting across the fields and heading directly to it! (I circled it in purple.)

But no, being environmentally sensitive hikers, we followed the trail. There was quite an array of scat all along our hike. I saw rabbit pellets, and scat with fur in it which I assume was from mountain lion, bobcat, coyote and fox. This is also a horse trail so there were piles of horse apples every so often. 

This is a busy park where the residents have priority. We saw wild turkeys under a large oak close to the lake. On the way back I picked up a turkey feather for my altar. It reminded me of the feather on the cover of my current read, Theo of Golden.

It was a perfect way to spend several hours, and I'm glad we did it then, because we're headed into a hot spell of upper 90s to 100s. 

Autumn Light

 

There is something special about early autumn light. A softness that invites a desire to capture a moment. Doing a little morning reading of Theo of Golden.

Remembering All the Cats I've Loved

The Graves of Cats
The graves of cats are not like
those of dogs or parakeets.
They have been slipped out of

a day or maybe two
after you packed the dark dirt
with the long-handled shovel.

Now as you play with the child
or drink a beer beside the stream
while the swallows skim the wheat,

the cats as though from under the table
stretch and slide past roots
and fallen leaves, and not a blade

of grass disturbed, not a worm,
except at the corner of your eye
there’s a small shift of direction

in the alfalfa, and for a moment
the evening preens and stares
in a way you almost call by name.

–Harry Humes

The Freshman Deposit

This photo is me and my kiddo, Bean. It's the night before the big move-in day for college. An impromptu photo at the restaurant. Tuesday was move-in day and orientation. It went very well, though it was poignant and exhausting. My husband and I long ago had a "Babymoon" when I was five months pregnant (we'd never gotten a honeymoon). Since Bean is attending college in the Pacific Northwest, where we took the Babymoon, we reprised part of that on the drive home. And we decided to name this overall trip "The Freshman Deposit." Cuz we deposited him at school, and this whole endeavor is a deposit for his future. 

It's not a California summer road trip without construction and one-lane roads with long waits. We encountered eight of them in one day.

But the coastal redwoods sure are beautiful!

Now I'm home in this weirdly quiet house. It's not as though Bean made much noise, but I feel the absence of his energy profoundly. Mr. Aenigmas and I will need to develop a new normal. 

I suppose I could feel grateful that the foxes left a welcome home gift. Crow! (Ew.) Yes, at least one fox has remained and made our yard home. I see it sometimes wander through in the afternoon. Sigh. I really am grateful to live alongside wildlife even if I need to clean up gruesome gifts. (Sometimes they return to eat leftovers, but this looks like it had been around a few days.)

T Minus One Day

 

Not seen here is the carryon suitcase that will also travel

Tomorrow is the last day my child will live with me for awhile. We depart the day after tomorrow for the 599 mile drive to Eugene! It's gorgeous there. He'll be in an excellent program, will study, learn new skills, gain more independence, find his people. 

I've intensively parented for just shy of 19 years. The daily busy-ness of life keeps me in the moment and out of feelings, but I bet I'm going to have a few on move-in day!

What Makes Life LIFE

"What is it we remember of a life? From those 28,000 days if we are lucky enough to live that long? Those 960 months? ...Surely our days are measured in small things, small connections, small thoughts. It's not meetings and deals closed. It is our children. Talking of the day, of lunch, of coloring, of nonsense, the parent listening, half listening, not listening, because this is a thing we do, we daily do, morning and afternoon, the little holy rituals that make up a day, a life, a drop-off and pick-up, an expected thing, a known thing, a wave to the crossing guard, to a mom friend, to Ravi and Angie and Brandon, little school friends. My, how they've grown. New lunch box? New backpack? Good day? Hold my hand, sweetheart. Listen to your mother. A shared smile with the other mothers. They know this world. Can you believe this new principal? Did you hear so-and-so got laid off? The deli charges $5 for a half gallon of milk now. Ineffable feelings. The best kind. Words overrated. Time to go home now. She puts him in the car, in his car seat, buckles him in, burying her face in his neck, a little kiss. We'll go home and have a snack and play and then dinner and a bath and bed. A story. Frog and Toad again. Fishy kisses. Super-tuck. He asks for a super-tuck. That's what he calls it. Night, Mom. See you tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. We have time. Of course we have time. Please dear God."

-John Kenney, I See You've Called in Dead

The New Reality

Selfie - hugging a tree in the Sierra Nevadas

I had five targeted doses of radiation over ten days in late June, during which I turned 63. I'm not feeling the latent fatigue they forecast, though I experienced it during treatment. Then I started the medication designed to reduce risk of recurring breast cancer or developing metastatic cancer if I take it five years, called anastrozole. At first I thought I was lucky -- no noticeable side effects in the first couple weeks. Alas, a month in, I'm experiencing what the obliteration of estrogen does to the body. Most prominent is joint pain, sore muscles, and stiffness all over. I feel it especially in my hands and wrists. This brings me back to the misery of my pre-weight loss era; I had so enjoyed pain-free movement the last few years. I experience restless legs while trying to fall asleep, as well as 4 a.m. awakenings. My thoughts are slower -- brain fog. And I feel, on a cellular level, an absence of energetic capacity. The shrunken reserve requires careful choices and an acceptance of the current reality, so I feel some grief too. I have a good life. What's occurring to me is normal. Aging happens, health declines, or is otherwise compromised. I don't love it. Then I look up from writing and glimpse six-point buck wandering through the yard! He lingered long enough to delight me. I hear my child singing upstairs in this rented cabin. No sweeter gift than that.

It's Almost That Time of Year

Photo of the Dove Fire shortly after ignition

"By September the foothills were worn out from the deprivations of the dry season, and everything waited breathlessly for rain. The dusty trails in our canyons were covered with the riverine tracings of whiptail lizards and racer snakes, and although it was still hot, there was a certain aging of the light. The smoke from burning stubble on the rice fields down in the valley backed up against the mountains, and the lowering slant of the sun through it brought a nameless melancholy to the mornings of the well-adjusted, and to the desperate, more desperation. What had you done, now that the year was three quarters gone? What had your life come to? What of the New Year's resolutions you'd made?"

-Jordan Fisher Smith, Nature Noir

All Time Low - Jon Bellion

I was the knight in shining armour in your movie
Would put your lips on mine and love the aftertaste
Now I'm a ghost, I call your name, you look right through me
You're the reason I'm alone and masturbate

I, I, I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie, lie, lie, lie, l-lie, I tried to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time...

Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

I was the prototype like 3 stacks on that CD
An example of the perfect candidate
Now all your girlfriends say that you don't want to see me
You're the reason that I just can't concentrate

I, I, I, I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie, lie, lie, lie, l-lie, I tried to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time...

Low, low, low-low-low, low, low, low, low

I, I, I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie, lie, lie, lie, l-lie, I tried to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time...

Low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

Lie, l-lie, I try to hide
But now you know it
I'm at an all time...

Hey!

Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

Of Days Gone By - Bruce Maginnis, Kate Henshaw

 

The leaves are falling and summer's gone 
She's walking slowly, it won't be long 
The Greyhound bus pulls out, turns down a street 
There's no one coming out to see her leave 
She won't need those pretty clothes, gonna be a factory girl 
Just like her mama said, there'll be no fairy tales 
City lights and lonely nights 
And no one around to lend a hand 
She kept one picture and some old letters 
A faded ribbon of days gone by 
She tied her long hair... 
 Folds up her pretty clothes with tears on her face 
She knows she's dreaming, she'll never...

Lemon Drop - Raynes

Soon I'll be at the top
And probably choke on a lemon drop
It's really embarrassing
But this look is everything

I'm willing to brave disgrace
And leave just a pretty blue face
Well, maybe it seems insane
But at least you're entertained

They fall for you when they see that you've got away
It's all for you, but they beg for it anyway
They love the lines that you hardly remember at all
It's better if you live fast and leave too soon

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

The rush is alright
The rush is alright

So is it overkill
If I move to Beverly Hills
And savor the kinds of thrills
That fit through a 20-dollar bill?

I'll probably lose control
And tie a ticket to my tumble-down soul
Or maybe I'll make the trade
To be the prince of another parade

They dress me up and I throw them another smile
Impress the party, but I'm still my mother's child
All fragile bones, I should never be left alone
If I'm lucky, I can live fast
And leave too soon

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

The rush is alright
The rush is alright

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

December - Collective Soul

 

Why drink the water from my hand
Contagious as you think I am
Just tilt my sun towards your domain
Your cup runneth over again

Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

Why follow me to higher ground
Lost as you swear I am
Don't throw away your basic needs
Ambiance and vanity

Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing
December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing

(December promise you gave unto me)
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
(December whispers of treachery)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
(December clouds are now covering me)
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
(December songs no longer I sing)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

(December promise you gave unto me)
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
(December whispers of treachery)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
(December clouds are now covering me)
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
(December songs no longer I sing)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

Wecome Home

Welcome Home

My home is made of peace.

My heart is made of patience.

My soul is made of pondering.

My home is a refuge of kindness that no one can 

disrupt.

I am there whenever I am curious. 

I am there whenever I am creative.

I am there whenever I am attentive.

Yes, you can enter.

As long as you remember:

My heart is made of patience.

My soul is made of pondering.

-Kathryn Harper

Inspiration for You

I want to encourage you. Although you feel stuck in your overgrown forest, perplexed about how to change it, overwhelmed and frustrated with yourself that more progress has not happened, you are changing. You are noticing, you are learning, and those alone are evidence of change. 

You long for the one book that will provide guidance. And here is the truth: you are the book. You are writing your life. Other books can inform you (goodness knows I believe this), but they cannot solve you, or for you. The information they offer -- you must metabolize and integrate it -- you must write it into your self through exploration and action, and through developing trust in your self and Life. Our conversations are another part of your learning. I'm your "study partner": a witness, clarifier, and encourager. But your life is entirely your creation.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 

― Rainer Maria Rilke

A Favorite Time In My Life

Time is such a notion, isn't it? We humans use a system to organize our experience into past, present, and future, which is useful psychologically and for conducting life's business. When I am creating, however, time disappears for me. So I suppose that a favorite time in my life is whenever I am not experiencing time consciously. That's kind of trippy to me. Whenever I'm writing, such as this post, or making art, or reading, or even hiking or sitting in the woods, that is my favorite time of my life. When I have an engaging conversation with a friend over a meal and my heart feels connected and expansive, that is a favorite time of my life.

I do have gauzy memories of other experiences in the past that felt like this. Camping trips with my family as a little girl, where I played endless imagination games or swam for hours at a lake. And yes, I have memories that are not favorite, that involve pain and suffering, and for me those are always more vivid, and they demand center stage. Over the years I've developed a practice to turn my attention away from them and to deliberately focus on the good. I don't judge or block the negative, yet I try to give what is positive equal attention.

This applies to future, too. I'm very adept at doom thinking and worries, and I've rarely been a dreamer about future plans and aspirations -- it's as if I'm afraid if I dare dream of something I want, "something" will call it arrogance and teach me a lesson by not manifesting that. I know this is rooted in several things: my personality, which is inherently attuned more to negatives; an authoritarian father who wielded power destructively in childhood (and adulthood, to be honest); and a religious upbringing focused on sin, humans being inherently broken, guilt, and fear of punishment. So I have spent my life navigating and learning how to live in a way that allows me more "favorite" times. At 63, I'm getting better at it. 

By Way of Sorrow - Cry Cry Cry

You've been taken by the wind
You have known the kiss of sorrows
Doors that would not take you in
Outcast and a stranger

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years

You have drunk a bitter wine
With none to be your comfort
You who once were left behind
Will be welcome at love's tables

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years

You will one day come to know
You will one day come to know

All the nights that joy has slept
Will awake to days of laughter
All the tears that you have wept
You'll dance in freedom ever after

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years

Happy Independence Day!

I want to celebrate something today, and this story is definitely at the top of my list. Kelsey Pfendler just rowed all by herself, unassisted, from Monterey to Hawaii, over 2,400 miles! She did it in 43 days, which means she broke the record for speed for all genders (that's 50-55 miles a day!). She turned 32 during the trip. She's the youngest person and first American woman to do this. In the process, she raised money for a nonprofit that provides mental and physical health services to Grand Canyon river guides, The Whale Foundation. Her Facebook videos through her trip are uplifting and educational. I figure this is a reason to celebrate the 4th. 

In her last video on the water, she encouraged people to take the risk and do the big, hard, scary thing standing between them and a dream. I'm reminded that when I was 31 (1994), my big hard scary thing was moving sight unseen over 1,800 miles from Syracuse, NY, to Austin, TX with no job or abode secured. I disposed of many possessions to lighten my load and shipped some boxes to my brother. I paid off my car loan and loaded up my little Blue Belle. Then I drove into a new life. The big hard scary things didn't stop once I arrived. It took several years to gain a sense of stability, belonging, and confidence. The next big hard scary thing I did was quit my job and go to graduate school to become a psychotherapist. That was a project. I graduated in 1999, and received my license in 2003. 

These feats put me on a trajectory toward a life I had scarcely dreamed I could have. We can do hard things!

This quote is what I referred to repeatedly as I prepared to move to Texas. 

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

- William Hutchison Murray,The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

Ship of Fools - Robert Plant

On waves of love my heart is breaking
And stranger still, my self control I can't rely on anymore
New tide, surprise, my world is changing
Within this frame an ocean swells behind the smile, I know it well

Beneath a lover's moon I'm waiting
I am the pilot of the storm, adrift in pleasure I may drown
I built this ship, it is my making
And furthermore, my self control I can't rely on anymore

I know why
I know why

Crazy on a ship of fools
Crazy on a ship of fools
Turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Oh, no, oh, no

Who claims that no man is an island?
While I land up in jeopardy, more distant from you by degrees
I walk this shore in isolation
And at my feet eternity draws ever sweeter plans for me

I know why
I know why

Crazy on a ship of fools
Ah, crazy on a ship of fools
Turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Oh, no, oh, no, ship of fools

Turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Oh, no
Crazy on a ship of fools
Oh, crazy on a ship of fools
Turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Oh, no, oh, no, ship of fools

A Request

A Request

Amorevita, you have been the sturdy taproot of my life.
You have been the woven net I long to trust in the world.
And now I ask you to scatter me.
I ask you to be the farmer that sows and winnows me across the fields of my life.
Do not forget me now.
Come to me as a river of courage, a rhythmic surf.
Ignite me like the brilliant beam of the lighthouse.

-Kathryn Harper

Spiral Out - Kyle Hume

 

I get pessimistic at best, why do I get hyperobsessed
With the worst-case situation? When it hasn't even happened yet
Play the future out in my head, funny how I get so upset
From a made-up conversation, maybe I should learn to take a breath

And breathe
'Cause for all I know
It might just go better than I could think
And that sounds fine with me (Ha-ha), so

I'm not gonna spiral out today, I'ma think it turns out a-okay
Instead of just catastrophize, I'm gonna trust it goes my way (Oh-woah)
'Cause there's no way to know how it ends, so why waste time with cavin' in?
And usually I'm so worst case, but I'm not gonna spiral out today

If it's gonna turn out bad, I might as well not live it twice
Maybe I should just imagine that the future could be nice
Try to picture every outcome through a better frame of mind
You never know, it could be right, so

I'm not gonna spiral out today, I'ma think it turns out a-okay
Instead of just catastrophize, I'm gonna trust it goes my way (Oh-woah)
'Cause there's no way to know how it ends, so why waste time with cavin' in?
And usually I'm so worst case, but I'm not gonna spiral out today

La, la, la, la, la
I'm not gonna spiral out today
La, la, la, la, la

What if this, what if that?
Why are all my what-ifs sad?
Maybe I should try, perhaps, happy thoughts, imagine that
What if this, what if that?
Why are all my what-ifs sad?
Maybe I should try, perhaps, happy thoughts, imagine that

I'm not gonna spiral out today, I'ma think it turns out a-okay
Instead of just catastrophize, I'm gonna trust it goes my way (Oh-woah)
'Cause there's no way to know how it ends, so why waste time with cavin' in?
And usually I'm so worst case, but I'm not gonna spiral out today

I Am

 

I Am

The fox cannot help being stealthy.
The rose cannot help being thorny.
The sun cannot help being fiery.
And I cannot help being Kathryn.
Even in my sleep, I dream of creating.
Even in my sadness, I love my life.
I swim in the rivers of my curiosity.
I climb through the mountains of my awe.
I travel for years and years.
And on the other side
is Kathryn, beautiful Kathryn,
her vibrant energy reverberating in the world.

-Kathryn Harper