All Time Low - Jon Bellion

I was the knight in shining armour in your movie
Would put your lips on mine and love the aftertaste
Now I'm a ghost, I call your name, you look right through me
You're the reason I'm alone and masturbate

I, I, I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie, lie, lie, lie, l-lie, I tried to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time...

Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

I was the prototype like 3 stacks on that CD
An example of the perfect candidate
Now all your girlfriends say that you don't want to see me
You're the reason that I just can't concentrate

I, I, I, I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie, lie, lie, lie, l-lie, I tried to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time...

Low, low, low-low-low, low, low, low, low

I, I, I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie, lie, lie, lie, l-lie, I tried to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time...

Low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

Lie, l-lie, I try to hide
But now you know it
I'm at an all time...

Hey!

Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

Of Days Gone By - Bruce Maginnis, Kate Henshaw

 

The leaves are falling and summer's gone 
She's walking slowly, it won't be long 
The Greyhound bus pulls out, turns down a street 
There's no one coming out to see her leave 
She won't need those pretty clothes, gonna be a factory girl 
Just like her mama said, there'll be no fairy tales 
City lights and lonely nights 
And no one around to lend a hand 
She kept one picture and some old letters 
A faded ribbon of days gone by 
She tied her long hair... 
 Folds up her pretty clothes with tears on her face 
She knows she's dreaming, she'll never...

Lemon Drop - Raynes

Soon I'll be at the top
And probably choke on a lemon drop
It's really embarrassing
But this look is everything

I'm willing to brave disgrace
And leave just a pretty blue face
Well, maybe it seems insane
But at least you're entertained

They fall for you when they see that you've got away
It's all for you, but they beg for it anyway
They love the lines that you hardly remember at all
It's better if you live fast and leave too soon

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

The rush is alright
The rush is alright

So is it overkill
If I move to Beverly Hills
And savor the kinds of thrills
That fit through a 20-dollar bill?

I'll probably lose control
And tie a ticket to my tumble-down soul
Or maybe I'll make the trade
To be the prince of another parade

They dress me up and I throw them another smile
Impress the party, but I'm still my mother's child
All fragile bones, I should never be left alone
If I'm lucky, I can live fast
And leave too soon

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

The rush is alright
The rush is alright

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

December - Collective Soul

 

Why drink the water from my hand
Contagious as you think I am
Just tilt my sun towards your domain
Your cup runneth over again

Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

Why follow me to higher ground
Lost as you swear I am
Don't throw away your basic needs
Ambiance and vanity

Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing
December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing

(December promise you gave unto me)
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
(December whispers of treachery)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
(December clouds are now covering me)
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
(December songs no longer I sing)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

(December promise you gave unto me)
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
(December whispers of treachery)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
(December clouds are now covering me)
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
(December songs no longer I sing)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

Wecome Home

Welcome Home

My home is made of peace.

My heart is made of patience.

My soul is made of pondering.

My home is a refuge of kindness that no one can 

disrupt.

I am there whenever I am curious. 

I am there whenever I am creative.

I am there whenever I am attentive.

Yes, you can enter.

As long as you remember:

My heart is made of patience.

My soul is made of pondering.

-Kathryn Harper

Inspiration for You

I want to encourage you. Although you feel stuck in your overgrown forest, perplexed about how to change it, overwhelmed and frustrated with yourself that more progress has not happened, you are changing. You are noticing, you are learning, and those alone are evidence of change. 

You long for the one book that will provide guidance. And here is the truth: you are the book. You are writing your life. Other books can inform you (goodness knows I believe this), but they cannot solve you, or for you. The information they offer -- you must metabolize and integrate it -- you must write it into your self through exploration and action, and through developing trust in your self and Life. Our conversations are another part of your learning. I'm your "study partner": a witness, clarifier, and encourager. But your life is entirely your creation.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 

― Rainer Maria Rilke

A Favorite Time In My Life

Time is such a notion, isn't it? We humans use a system to organize our experience into past, present, and future, which is useful psychologically and for conducting life's business. When I am creating, however, time disappears for me. So I suppose that a favorite time in my life is whenever I am not experiencing time consciously. That's kind of trippy to me. Whenever I'm writing, such as this post, or making art, or reading, or even hiking or sitting in the woods, that is my favorite time of my life. When I have an engaging conversation with a friend over a meal and my heart feels connected and expansive, that is a favorite time of my life.

I do have gauzy memories of other experiences in the past that felt like this. Camping trips with my family as a little girl, where I played endless imagination games or swam for hours at a lake. And yes, I have memories that are not favorite, that involve pain and suffering, and for me those are always more vivid, and they demand center stage. Over the years I've developed a practice to turn my attention away from them and to deliberately focus on the good. I don't judge or block the negative, yet I try to give what is positive equal attention.

This applies to future, too. I'm very adept at doom thinking and worries, and I've rarely been a dreamer about future plans and aspirations -- it's as if I'm afraid if I dare dream of something I want, "something" will call it arrogance and teach me a lesson by not manifesting that. I know this is rooted in several things: my personality, which is inherently attuned more to negatives; an authoritarian father who wielded power destructively in childhood (and adulthood, to be honest); and a religious upbringing focused on sin, humans being inherently broken, guilt, and fear of punishment. So I have spent my life navigating and learning how to live in a way that allows me more "favorite" times. At 63, I'm getting better at it. 

By Way of Sorrow - Cry Cry Cry

You've been taken by the wind
You have known the kiss of sorrows
Doors that would not take you in
Outcast and a stranger

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years

You have drunk a bitter wine
With none to be your comfort
You who once were left behind
Will be welcome at love's tables

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years

You will one day come to know
You will one day come to know

All the nights that joy has slept
Will awake to days of laughter
All the tears that you have wept
You'll dance in freedom ever after

You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years

Happy Independence Day!

I want to celebrate something today, and this story is definitely at the top of my list. Kelsey Pfendler just rowed all by herself, unassisted, from Monterey to Hawaii, over 2,400 miles! She did it in 43 days, which means she broke the record for speed for all genders (that's 50-55 miles a day!). She turned 32 during the trip. She's the youngest person and first American woman to do this. In the process, she raised money for a nonprofit that provides mental and physical health services to Grand Canyon river guides, The Whale Foundation. Her Facebook videos through her trip are uplifting and educational. I figure this is a reason to celebrate the 4th. 

In her last video on the water, she encouraged people to take the risk and do the big, hard, scary thing standing between them and a dream. I'm reminded that when I was 31 (1994), my big hard scary thing was moving sight unseen over 1,800 miles from Syracuse, NY, to Austin, TX with no job or abode secured. I disposed of many possessions to lighten my load and shipped some boxes to my brother. I paid off my car loan and loaded up my little Blue Belle. Then I drove into a new life. The big hard scary things didn't stop once I arrived. It took several years to gain a sense of stability, belonging, and confidence. The next big hard scary thing I did was quit my job and go to graduate school to become a psychotherapist. That was a project. I graduated in 1999, and received my license in 2003. 

These feats put me on a trajectory toward a life I had scarcely dreamed I could have. We can do hard things!

This quote is what I referred to repeatedly as I prepared to move to Texas. 

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

- William Hutchison Murray,The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

Ship of Fools - Robert Plant

On waves of love my heart is breaking
And stranger still, my self control I can't rely on anymore
New tide, surprise, my world is changing
Within this frame an ocean swells behind the smile, I know it well

Beneath a lover's moon I'm waiting
I am the pilot of the storm, adrift in pleasure I may drown
I built this ship, it is my making
And furthermore, my self control I can't rely on anymore

I know why
I know why

Crazy on a ship of fools
Crazy on a ship of fools
Turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Oh, no, oh, no

Who claims that no man is an island?
While I land up in jeopardy, more distant from you by degrees
I walk this shore in isolation
And at my feet eternity draws ever sweeter plans for me

I know why
I know why

Crazy on a ship of fools
Ah, crazy on a ship of fools
Turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Oh, no, oh, no, ship of fools

Turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Oh, no
Crazy on a ship of fools
Oh, crazy on a ship of fools
Turn this boat around, back to my loving ground
Oh, no, oh, no, ship of fools

A Request

A Request

Amorevita, you have been the sturdy taproot of my life.
You have been the woven net I long to trust in the world.
And now I ask you to scatter me.
I ask you to be the farmer that sows and winnows me across the fields of my life.
Do not forget me now.
Come to me as a river of courage, a rhythmic surf.
Ignite me like the brilliant beam of the lighthouse.

-Kathryn Harper

Spiral Out - Kyle Hume

 

I get pessimistic at best, why do I get hyperobsessed
With the worst-case situation? When it hasn't even happened yet
Play the future out in my head, funny how I get so upset
From a made-up conversation, maybe I should learn to take a breath

And breathe
'Cause for all I know
It might just go better than I could think
And that sounds fine with me (Ha-ha), so

I'm not gonna spiral out today, I'ma think it turns out a-okay
Instead of just catastrophize, I'm gonna trust it goes my way (Oh-woah)
'Cause there's no way to know how it ends, so why waste time with cavin' in?
And usually I'm so worst case, but I'm not gonna spiral out today

If it's gonna turn out bad, I might as well not live it twice
Maybe I should just imagine that the future could be nice
Try to picture every outcome through a better frame of mind
You never know, it could be right, so

I'm not gonna spiral out today, I'ma think it turns out a-okay
Instead of just catastrophize, I'm gonna trust it goes my way (Oh-woah)
'Cause there's no way to know how it ends, so why waste time with cavin' in?
And usually I'm so worst case, but I'm not gonna spiral out today

La, la, la, la, la
I'm not gonna spiral out today
La, la, la, la, la

What if this, what if that?
Why are all my what-ifs sad?
Maybe I should try, perhaps, happy thoughts, imagine that
What if this, what if that?
Why are all my what-ifs sad?
Maybe I should try, perhaps, happy thoughts, imagine that

I'm not gonna spiral out today, I'ma think it turns out a-okay
Instead of just catastrophize, I'm gonna trust it goes my way (Oh-woah)
'Cause there's no way to know how it ends, so why waste time with cavin' in?
And usually I'm so worst case, but I'm not gonna spiral out today

I Am

 

I Am

The fox cannot help being stealthy.
The rose cannot help being thorny.
The sun cannot help being fiery.
And I cannot help being Kathryn.
Even in my sleep, I dream of creating.
Even in my sadness, I love my life.
I swim in the rivers of my curiosity.
I climb through the mountains of my awe.
I travel for years and years.
And on the other side
is Kathryn, beautiful Kathryn,
her vibrant energy reverberating in the world.

-Kathryn Harper

Poem to Myself

Poem to Myself

No one knows the gray fox that dreams in me.
No one knows that my heart is a curious puzzle

  I carry through the night toward the horizon.

No one knows the wonder I savor.

But I do. I do.

I will wake today and chase my senses.

I will walk today and notice the details.

I will explore until I catch the Mystery.

Gray fox, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming.

-Kathryn Harper

Shake Shake Shake - Bronze Radio Return

Line the room
Find a drink and drain the glass as fast as you can think to
The cheap perfume
In a room of people watching, it intoxicates you
They start to play
Then they start to play
It shakes the floor
It stings your ears, but this is what we trade our hearing for
The crowd stands still
No one's moving, they'd just rather stand and wait until
Someone starts to move
Someone starts to move

Shake, shake, shake
It's what you make of it, take what you will
You know, know, know your only mistake
If if you stand still
So shake, shake, shake
It's all what you make of it, break it until
You know, know, know your only mistake
Is if you stand still

It's only up to you
It's only up to you
Forget yourself
This room is hot, but we can make it hotter with your help
I'll dance with you
We'll dance together until everybody's moving too
Everybody moves
When everybody moves

Shake, shake, shake
It's what you make of it, take what you will
You know, know, know your only mistake
If if you stand still
So shake, shake, shake
It's all what you make of it, break it until
You know, know, know your only mistake
Is if you stand still

It's only up to you
It's only up to you
It's only up to you
It's only up to you

Foxy Neighbors

Okay, terrible picture because I was so far away. But this morning around 11 a.m. I look up from my desk and who do I see but one of the kits! I observed her avidly watching the birds on the lawn searching for bugs. (Birds are aware though, not likely in danger.) 

Every single night this week they have rambunctiously chased around the yard. All night. No complaints here, but it is vexing because I can hardly see them!

My neighbor sent this photo from his side of the fence. Adorable. Cuddled for a nap. 

Honor Way - Starling Arrow

Inside - East Forest

Celebration!

On this, my 63rd birthday, nature's gift to me is the delight of three gray foxes in my back yard. We noticed one fox June 4, and my husband saw two last week. This morning all three were scampering around the yard. They are moving between my neighbor's yard (where I think they have a den) and ours. This photo is not high quality; they move so fast. I think it's a mom and kits. 

As best as I can tell, this is the Townsend's Gray Fox, a subspecies of gray fox that lives in northern California and Oregon. We live close to the foothills of Santa Cruz mountains. The hills a mile away have coyotes, deer, turkeys, rattlesnakes, and mountain lions (rare but there). Mountain lions and coyotes prey on the fox, so it makes sense they are denning farther away. We have rats (that like to eat the fruit from trees), so I don't mind having the foxes around. It has never happened in all the years I've lived in this house, and it feels incredibly precious to witness this. 

This morning I have a doctor appointment, and this afternoon I have a radiation treatment. Welcome to the sixties! (Not really. I've noticed an upward trend in medical visits over the past five years or so.) People ask if I'm doing something special. Nope! I don't need to. As long as it's a good day, with moments of joy and savoring, it's special enough. 

I received two birthday cards (from husband and son) that were perfectly chosen, as well as some gifts. One of the gifts being an array of circle punches ranging in diameter from 3 inches to .3 inch. I look forward to cutting and playing with circles and making collages. I will encircle the world!

The other gift is a new fitness band of a different brand (Garmin), since the Fitbit I was using kept flaking out. And we all know the unmeasured life is not worth living! (Joke!) It's been a useful tool in becoming more healthy and maintaining. Some of us just do better when we keep track of ourselves.

I'm thinking this evening I'll have a backyard fire in the fire pit. I love a good campfire. It's Midsummer! I'm celebrating the light and life.

The Storm - Marshall Potts

Didn’t I Warn You
 
Didn’t I Warn You Enough
 
Didn’t I Give You
 
Didn’t I Give You What You Want

 
Didn’t I Love You 

Didn’t I Love You Enough
 
Didn’t I Save You
 
Didn’t I Save You From Yourself

  

When the Wind comes it brings change (We are worlds apart)
 
And Only Truth alone remains (We are worlds Away) 

Cause it reveals your Pain (We are worlds apart)
 
That’s Why The Storm Came 
 

Didn’t I Hold You 

Didn’t I Hold You Enough

You Couldn’t Feel Me
 You Were Just Drowning In Your Loss


I Couldn’t Heal You 
I Couldn’t Heal You Enough
 I Couldn’t See You
I Couldn’t Feel the Weight of Your Cross

 

In my broken Heart I see (We are worlds apart)
 
What the Storm revealed in Me (We are worlds away)
 
That we reflect the Love we Seek (We are worlds apart)
 
That’s why I came to Say (We have to change our ways) 

Wake Up
 
Just Get UP
 
Let’s Go, Let’s Go!!!

 

Didn’t I Warn You
 
Didn’t I Warn You Enough
 
Didn’t I Give You
 
Didn’t I Give You My Love

(We reflect the Love We Seek)


On Target

Today I received my first targeted radiation treatment. Because the cancer was caught so early and was so small, I'm eligible for partial breast radiation rather than whole breast. I have a total of five sessions, another benefit of early detection. The process took ten minutes, and I felt nothing but appreciation. 

I appreciate how something that could kill me can, in the right dose and delivery method, improve my healthspan. I appreciate the scientific method and the curiosity of humans who pursue questions and hypotheses that lead to such discoveries. 

I appreciate my life.

How I Read

 

I read a lot. My mind requires it, just as much as my body needs to breathe, and I need sleep, and to eat. 

I saw the image above on social media the other day, and it captured the essence of my reading style. I left a comment: "Yes! I think of reading as a kind of transubstantiation (if you're Catholic you'll grok the term). Something wonderfully mysterious happens in reading that changes me as a reader, and I don't completely have to understand or remember details for the experience to have a benefit."

I'm in the process of reading several novels, and as of the end of June I'll have read 28 books. My goal is 52, but I'll see how it goes. 

The three fiction standouts so far are Loved and Missed, James, and Orbital.

I read all of Andrea Gibson's poetry, and love Lord of the Butterflies the most.

My inner nerd thoroughly devoured The Devil's Teeth: a True Story of Obsession and Survival Among America's Great White Sharks. No open water swimming in the Pacific Ocean for me! 

And I read a book for a reading club that really aligned with an inner shift, and helped me to clarify goals. That book is Life in Five Senses: How Exploring the Senses Got Me Out of My Head and Into the World. With the ICE invasions and murders in Minnesota in January, I realized that my well-being relies on getting off social media and news sites. I became so aware that I don't want to be on my death bed regretting that I had not made more art. The book (which I listened to) alerted me to many small practices I can employ to actually live my life. Not long after this shift and reading the book, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Ok, universe, my dear AmoreVita, message received and action engaged.