Yes I'm a Mess - AJR

I leave my house at 3 o' clock
With 200 texts and 2 missed calls
Guess all of the friends that I pissed off
All talked

And I took a job for just July
But feels like I might be here for life
Yeah I'm in it now
I'm in it now
Could I start again, somehow?

Yes I'm a mess with an S on my chest
Got stress filling up my head
So I spent last night
Blowing up my life
Now you won't see me again

Cheers to the front and cheers to the back
And cheers to the 2010s
I could hate my guts
When the sun comes up
But I like myself like this
I like myself like this

Why should I fix the shit I've done
When I could just pack my shit and run
Delete every number from my phone
So long

Yeah I'll get new shirts cause mine all stink
And I'll tell my boss what I really think
Yeah I'm in it now
I'm in it now
Could I start again, somehow?

Yes I'm a mess with an S on my chest
Got stress filling up my head
So I spent last night
Blowing up my life
Now you won't see me again

Cheers to the front and cheers to the back
And cheers to the 2010s
I could hate my guts
When the sun comes up
But I like myself like this
I like myself like this

Yes I'm a mess with an S on my chest
So I spent last night
Blowing up my life
Now you won't see me again

Yes I'm a mess with an S on my chest
I could hate my guts
When the sun comes up
But I guess that's what this is
I like myself like this

I could hate my guts
When the sun comes up
But I like myself like this

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: The Witness of Suffering

 

I am one who sees pain and is pained by what I see. I am the starving child with piercing, beseeching eyes. I am one who watches intensely and with fierce concern. I am one so laden with despair that my gaze is pinned to earth. My eyes are portals to the core of my soul, and the pain cannot be unseen. My eyes are a drought that no tears can cleanse.

What is your gift or message for me?

Pay attention. See the pain and suffering of existence. Do not numb yourself or hide from it.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to look into the yes of people you meet. It is healing. I want you to see what is in front of you, than act to meet the needs that arise.

Why did you show up today?

Because I cannot bear witness alone. The more eyes that awaken and see, the greater the healing.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is depression, isolation, resignation. The light is bearing witness.

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: The Vulnerable One

I am one who is powerless, for whom the world is hard and cold. I am one who feels hunted, and I hide to remain undetected. Being invisible is my survival.

What is your gift or message for me?

Invisibility was a valuable strategy when you were a child. The world was frightening and you were not in control. You survived by disappearing but at some point you also hid yourself from your own self.

What do you want me to do?

Remember me and let this part of you be a source for compassion. Yet make room for other parts of yourself.

Why did you show up today?

You are in a place of experiencing a lot of "young stuff" emerging from your soul. It's part of healing.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The light is compassion.

Alignment - Phaeleh

Awaiting Test Results

Awaiting Test Results

My name is Self (or Me-myself And I).
Today I feel like a held breath
waiting in the throat.
Sometimes I am a work of art.
Sometimes I am a tangled mess.
But always I am curious.
I ask the world, “How did I waste so much time?”
And the answer is

a held breath waiting in the throat.

--Kathryn Harper

Sacraments of the Morning

Sacraments of the Morning

Isn’t it enough
to feel a chill as you rise from a warm
bed, stumble to the bath and with
nimble fingers attend to your body’s
needs, button your shirt, to balance
as you put pants on one leg at a time?

Isn’t it enough
to hear the morning news, the coffee
maker gurgling as you eat your
Wheaties with skim milk, to listen in
the comfort and illuminated safety of
your kitchen as rain rattles the roof?

Isn’t it enough
to inhale the earth’s perfume of wet
dirt, worms, roses and jasmine blooms,
to smell even the faint fumes of the
world’s morning commute as you join
with humanity for the day’s business?

Isn’t it enough
to taste the fresh tender day and
savor the strong bitter brew from
your steaming paper chalice as
you await the train under the shelter 

with others huddled like pigeons?

Isn’t it enough
to observe the blur of cinderblock
fortresses adorned with graffiti, the
lonely artifacts of life strewn across
anonymous backyards, to notice the
window cat watching the morning?

-- Kathryn Harper

“Cold Rain, Warm Colours” by Fred Rune Rahm, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: The Pursuer

 

I am one who, though small, takes risks. I brave challenges of cold and dark to reach a distant goal. I am unfettered by trappings. I am fresh and curious. I will find a way.

What is your gift or message for me?

This baby is doing the improbable, using intelligence to find solutions to get closer to her goal. Even though you feel small and vulnerable like an infant, you have the ingenuity to design options.

What do you want me to do?

Use what is at hand to solve challenges. Use tools that may be unusual choices.

Why did you show up today?

I felt you needed a visual reminder of how brave and intrepid you are.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is recklessness.

Sea Meets Earth - Fever Fever

You stepped into the room
And I knew I was doomed to fall for you
The moment I saw you smile
Now everywhere you go
My eyes follow close
And I am just waiting for the time to be right
To tell you how I've loved you for awhile
Oh my heart is going wild

You wear me down
Like where the sea meets earth
I fade away
Just like the rocks have worn
Don't you see what you do to me

You keep crashing
Keep crashing into me
I keep turning
Turning out to be
Something more
Than what I was before

Your skin touched my skin
And could feel that the breaking of my stone 

cold heart was about to begin
The moment that we locked eyes
And now everywhere you go my eyes follow close
And I am just waiting for the time to be right
To tell you how I've loved you for awhile
Oh my heart is going wild

You wear me down
Like where the sea meets earth
I fade away
Just like the rocks have worn
Don't you see what you do to me

You keep crashing
Keep crashing into me
I keep turning
Turning out to be
Something more
Than what I was before

You wear me down
Like where the sea meets earth
I fade away
Just like the rocks have worn
Don't you see what you do to me

You keep crashing
Keep crashing into me
I keep turning
Turning out to be
Something more
Than what I was before

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: The Practice

I am one who practices non-distracted awareness when life storms around me. I am one who sometimes manages to release her head in order to be in big mind. I am one who breathes Presence. I am one who needs a teacher. 

What is your gift or message for me?

The connection is within you. Practice opens the path. There is more to you than mind. Pay attention and wake up! 

What do you want me to do?

Sit regularly. Sit some more. Sit, sit, sit. Just sit.

Why did you show up today?

Because you showed up.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is being seduced by ego into thinking about what my practice is doing, focusing on measuring, comparing, projecting progress. Light: the secret is within you and is always present and accessible.

One Chance - Phaeleh, Devin Renee

Take this one chance
No this wont be easy
You can take this one chance
Don’t let me drown

I was only ever let down
By the ones coming in
Holding on to smoke now
Still I could never leave

How many times
Would I believe the lies
How many nights
Would I stay up crying

Blood is staining sheets now
From the tears I bleed

Take this one chance
This won’t be easy
You can take this one chance
Don’t let me drown

Here’s my heart
Take this one chance
Here’s my heart
You can take this one chance

Superman can’t save me
I’m not looking for hero in the night
When you say you want to help me
I’m way out in the deep

No love can
erase the bleeding
Empty words
Don’t hold meaning

How many times do you think I’ve fallen
One more time, ain’t easy

Take this one chance
No this won’t be easy
Take this one chance
Don’t let me drown

I want to trust in what you tell me
I want a love to get lost in
If you can patiently hold me
And ignore the screams

I’m ready to fall
I might need a push
I’m loving the thrill
Not the endless fighting

You might be what I’m needing
Only one way to see

Take this one chance
No this won’t be easy
Take this one chance
Don’t let me drown

You can take this one chance
This won’t be easy
You can take this one chance
Don’t let me drown

Here’s my heart
Take this one chance
Don’t let me drown

Tulips

Shell pink petals
Sunlight turns the tips creamy
Pollen beckons within cups
Feasts for the bees

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Small and Mighty

I am one who is stronger than I appear. I am one who labors through time and perseveres. I am one who likes to be seen and feels seen for enduring, and who stands in light.

What is your gift or message for me?

There is power in small things and incremental movement.

What do you want me to do?

Do what needs doing that is in front of you, and remain open.

Why did you show up today?

As you listen to intuition, you are moving mountains of energy.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

My shadow is hubris.

Let Go - Phealeh, Eva Marie

Time to let go
Passing fingertips on my hand
Can you prise yourself away from my eyes?
And head for warmer plains?
I’m so stagnant
With a fear of jumping in the water
The transitioning from hot to icy
It’s pleasant when you get in

Every little thing I try
Makes me realise
It’s hard to untie
Ever letting go
With grace
Every time I do
It falls back into place
Every little thing I try
Makes me realise
It’s hard to untie
Ever letting go
With grace
Every time I do
You have that look on your face

You float like a feather
It’s too good to be true
And you change like the weather
The storm has to break through

Moving closer
River flowing to the harbour
Flowers sway in nature’s ballet
Feeling everything
There’s no end game
But sometimes I am getting restless
And I think I need a place to call home
Finding it within

Every little thing
Makes me realise
Never letting go
Every time I do

Can you teach me how to be a nomad
I wanna be like
I wanna be like you
Can you teach me how to migrate
I wanna move like
I wanna move like you
To warmer weather
Next year
Take me with you
Take me with you

Take me with you
Take me with you
Take me with you
Take me with you

America Needs to Party More

"My point is that we are obligated to create the social world we want. Intimacy, togetherness—the opposite of the crushing loneliness so many people seem to feel—are what parties alchemize. Warm rooms on cold nights, so many people you love thumbtacked down in the same place, the musical clank of bottles in the recycling, someone staying late to help with the dishes—these are things anyone can have, but like everything worth having, they require effort. Fire trucks, after all, don’t come from nowhere—they come because we pay taxes.

This year, pay your taxes: Resolve to throw two parties—two because two feels manageable, and chain-letter math dictates that if every party has at least 10 guests (anything less is not a party!) and everyone observes host-guest reciprocity (anything else is sociopathic!), then everyone gets 20 party invitations a year—possibly many more. Bear in mind that parties can be whatever you want: a 15-person Super Bowl party; a casual picnic in the park with 20 of your pals; an overfull house party, guest count unknown. They do not need to be expensive, or formal, or in your own home. You don’t need a theme, unless you want one. You don’t even need to buy anything, or clean up beforehand, if you’re feeling particularly punk. All you have to do is invite people in."

-Ellen Cushing, America Needs to Party More 

The Choices That Create Isolation

"Those choices might seem minor, but they matter: To call a friend, or scroll on Instagram? To go to church, the weekly soccer game, or book club—or sleep in and scroll again? Today’s newsletter rounds up stories on the activities that bring us together, and the ones that keep us apart."

    -Isabel Fattal, The Choices That Create Isolation

Whistling in the Dark - Phaeleh, Augustus Ghost

 

You are in a wasteland
With your soul trapped between the tides
Running with wild horses and the wolves are on your track
Hiding from the secrets in your eyes
Hold my hand against the night
Show me all the demons left to fight
And I'll patch up the hole in your heart
And carry on whistling in the dark
And carry on whistling in the dark
Twilight
And the mud begins to crack
You cross your fingers twice behind your back
But your feet start to slip
You stumble and you trip
The sky breaks and the clouds are dripping black
Hold my hand against the night
Show me all the demons left to fight
And I'll patch up the hole in your heart
And carry on whistling in the dark
And carry on whistling in the dark
(Ahhh-ahhh-ahhhh-----ahhhhhh)
Go now
To the clear skies
Where the tears will wash the color
From your eyes
Oh-ahh ahh-ahhhh-----ahhhhhh
Ohh-ahh ah-ahhh ahh
Ahhhh-h-h-h-h
I will carry you home
You know I've done it alone
I will carry you home
You know I've done it alone
Hold my hand against the night
Show me all the demons left to fight
And I'll patch up the hole in your heart
And carry on whistling in the dark
In the dark
Carry on whistling in the dark

Pandemic Prayer

Pandemic Prayer

We are not all left standing when the war has ended.
It feels like the end times.
For many, it is.
Inhalation is our first act of embodiment.
Exhalation, our last.
One lifetime, millions of breaths
a conversation with all existence.
Where does the spirit go when we die?
Hail Mary, my gentle Momma,
You left; you gave up your breath
before the virus could steal it.
You waged a long campaign to stave off
cancer, old age, and death.
Emancipating your breath
you added the gift of your spirit to all.
Holy Mary, you released your body,
returned to Earth, our suffocated Mother,
in respiratory distress for decades.
Humanity is a virus choking
and drowning our source of life.
When the host dies,
the virus dies too.
Momma, you returned to our Mother
so you could garden with Her,
to try to heal us all.

–Kathryn Harper

On this day six years ago my mother, Mary Catherine Nicklas Petro, died. She was 86 and had two types of cancer. In 2017 she was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma -- her third experience with melanoma. She began Opdivo, an immunotherapy. It was her good fortune that she fell into the 30% for whom the treatment worked. It shrank her tumors to almost nothing. About a year ago, her breast cancer returned. She had a lot of arthritis, mobility issues, and pain. Yet she kept going as long as she could with the Opdivo, because she wanted to contribute to the research on the treatment for the sake of others. The breast cancer returned, though, and she knew she didn’t want aggressive treatment for it. Her body was struggling enough with side effects and ailments.

Mom was getting close to entering hospice. We had imagined more time, a gradual decline, a process where we could see her again and say good-bye. Something happened inside her that day that led to a swift end. She is no longer suffering. I had talked to her three days prior, and I am so glad I did. We lived 3,000 miles apart. I lived in an epicenter of Covid-19, was sheltering-in-place, and am in a vulnerable group. I didn’t want to get it, and I didn’t want to carry it to my siblings or my elderly father. I spent a lot of time saying good-bye to my mother over the years, connecting with her, resolving things between us. I grieved some. Yet nothing prepared me for how that felt. The finality. May we all be peace; may we all be free from suffering. 

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Seeing Possibilities

I am one who likes form. I am one who looks into nothing and sees structures and creative possibilities. 

What is your gift or message for me?

The spark lives within you.

What do you want me to do?

Stoke the spark, brainstorm, tend the flame.

Why did you show up today?

Because I'm taking greater prominence in life.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is flightiness. 

Electric Avenue - Eddy Grant

Boy! Boy!

Now in the street, there is violence
And-and a lots of work to be done
No place to hang out our washing
And-and I can't blame all on the sun

Oh no, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

Workin' so hard like a soldier
Can't afford a thing on TV
Deep in my heart, I abhor ya
Can't get food for the kid

Good God, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Ho, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
Oh no

Oh God, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Ho, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

Who is to blame in one country?
Never can get to the one
Dealin' in multiplication
And they still can't feed everyone

Oh no, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Ho no, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

Ho, out in the street
Out in the street
Out in the daytime
Out in the night

Oh, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Ho, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

Out in the street
Out in the street
Out in the playground
In the dark side of town

Ho, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Hey, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

Ohh yeah
Rock it in the daytime
Rock it in the night
Rock it in my...

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Reluctant Homemaker

I am one who would rather be reading than cleaning. I am one who is comfortable living with a certain level of dust and grime in order to attend to what interests me. I am one who would rather be somewhere else when cleaning.

What is your gift or message for me?

It's all right to ask for help at home from other family members. It's okay to let chores slide.

What do you want me to do?

Let go of guilt. Be present when you do these mundane chores. Teach Claire good habits.

Why did you show up today?

Because you are here at a SoulCollage® session instead of doing chores.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is slovenliness.