Instructions Before Visiting Earth - James McCrae

On Saturday Afternoons in 1963 - Rickie Lee Jones

 

The most as you'll ever go
Is back where you used to know
If grown-ups could laugh this slow
Where as you watch the hour snow
Years may go by

So hold on to your special friend
Here, you'll need something to keep her in
"Now you stay inside this foolish grin..."
Though any day your secrets end
Then again
Years may go by

You saved your own special friend
'Cause here you need something to hide her in
And you stay inside that foolish grin
When everyday now secrets end
Oh, and then again
Years may go by

This Is BRILLIANT

 

Honestly, this is funny as hell. Because it’s presented like a genuine, high-production news segment, it feels absurdly real.

I need to start digging!

Eternity - Alex Warren

Hear the clock ticking on the wall
Losing sleep, losing track of the tears I cry
Every drop is a waterfall
Every breath is a break in the riptide

Oh, how long has it been? I don't know

But it feels like an eternity
Since I had you here with me
Since I had to learn to be
Someone you don't know

To be with you in paradise
What I wouldn't sacrifice
Why'd you have to chase the light
Somewhere I can't go?

As I walk this world alone
As I walk this world alone

Another glimpse of what could've been (Ooh)
Another dream, another way that it never was
Falling back in the wilderness (Ooh)
Waking up, rubbing salt in the cut

Oh, how long has it been? I don't know

But it feels like an eternity
Since I had you here with me
Since I had to learn to be
Someone you don't know

To be with you in paradise
What I wouldn't sacrifice
Why'd you have to chase the light
Somewhere I can't go?

As I walk this world alone (Alone, alone)
As I walk this world alone (Alone, alone)

It's an endless night, it's a starless sky
It's a hell that I call home (Hell that I call home)
It's a long goodbye on the other side
Of the only life I know

And it feels like an eternity (Mm)
Since I had you here with me
Since I had to learn to be (Mm)
Someone you don't know (Whoa)
To be with you in paradise
What I wouldn't sacrifice
Why'd you have to chase the light
Somewhere I can't go?

As I walk this world alone
As I walk this world alone

Spiritual Peace and Happiness – Calm Energy, Pure Love, Deep Peace | Lenzspot

Close your eyes, breathe it in
Let the stillness begin
Feel the light in your chest
Let your soul find rest 
You've been chasing, always trying
Running fast, but never finding
What was waiting deep inside
A peace that never hides
No more fear, no more fight
Just the calm of endless light 
When you let go, you'll see 
The love that sets you free
Spiritual peace and happiness
]It's not out there, it's within your chest 
When you stop the noise and listen close 
You'll find the truth your spirit knows
Spiritual peace and happiness
You were born with all of this 
Let the light wash over you 
And feel your heart renew 
And feel your heart renew
Walk slow, breathe deep, stay kind
Leave the heavy world behind
Every tear, every scar
Led you right to where you are
You don't need to prove your worth 
You've been magic since your birth
Every moment, every breath 
Is love that never left 
Spiritual peace and happiness
It's not out there, it's within your chest 
When you stop the noise and listen close 
You'll find the truth your spirit knows 
Spiritual peace and happiness 
You were born with all of this 
Let the light wash over you 
And feel your heart renew 
And feel your heart renew
Let go, be free, let your soul align 
You're divine by design 
Every step, every smile, every day 
Peace and happiness will stay

Loosen - Aly Halpert

Loosen, loosen, baby
You don't have to carry
The weight of the world in your muscles and bones
Let go, let go, let go

Loosen, loosen, baby
You don't have to carry
The weight of the world in your muscles and bones
Let go, let go, let go

Loosen, loosen, baby
You don't have to carry
The weight of the world in your muscles and bones
Let go, let go, let go

Loosen, loosen, baby
You don't have to carry
The weight of the world in your muscles and bones
Let go, let go, let go

Holy breath, and holy name
Will you ease, will you ease this pain
Holy breath, and holy name
Will you ease, will you ease this pain

Holy breath (Loosen, loosen, baby)
And holy name (You don't have to carry)
Will you ease (The weight of the world in your muscles and bones)
Will you ease this pain (Let go, let go, let go)

Loosen, loosen, baby (Holy breath)
You don't have to carry (and holy name)
The weight of the world in your muscles and bones (Will you ease)
Let go, let go, let go (Will you ease this pain)

An Anniversary

In August 2022, after years of declining health and mobility and increasing pain, I made a decision to change my life. This is a photo of me in September 2022.

And this is me today, 70 pounds lighter.

First I made the decision to get stronger, so I started strength training twice a week for 20 minutes at a time at a local specialty gym called The Exercise Coach. Then I added cardio to my habits; my favorite gym machine is the elliptical, and I'm a big fan of walking. After a couple of months, I was ready to reduce my intake of calories gradually and track what I ate. I figured there was no timeline except the rest of my life, so progress could be incremental. The practice of losing weight a few ounces per week is what kept me going, because I decided that all foods were acceptable to eat as long as I was honest and tracked it, that starvation would lead to exhaustion and rebellion, and the key to all this is feeling good in my body while shedding weight. 

After the first 25 pounds shed, I saw an endocrinologist who suggested I try a GLP-1 medication. She said it would likely help, as I had "hacked my own psychology" by doing healthy things. I would not be using the shot and expecting it to do all the work. So I tried it, and I am among the percentage of people who were not disabled by side effects and for whom it worked. It was very odd to experience the shift. "Food noise" is real. The medication quieted that. It also dampened my feeling of appetite for many other good things. But I've figured out a way to adapt. I imagine I will take this medication for the rest of my life, as part of the chronic condition of obesity.

I'm now at a weight I was in my thirties, and I was functional and strong. I can remember well-intended suggestions by men that if I just lost some weight, I'd be really pretty. But honestly? I feel and look good.

So yes, I could lose more weight. I'm technically in the "overweight" BMI for my height. However, I have figured out a way to live and enjoy my life, even with the limitations of exhaustion (from aging, from battling cancer, and surgery). So for the time being, I'll keep on as I have been. 

Wild I Am - Vocal Few

I've been walking around this town
And I've decided I don't ever wanna be another face in the crowd
I've been talking to people I meet
Saying, "I've been thinking about leaving and I'm taking next to nothing with me"

And I know that public opinion says that I should settle down
But there's something inside my heart that fights against the crowd

And it is wild, wild, wild, I am

I've been thinking of things I don't know
And I'm not about to settle with the present if my heart wants to go
You've got your convictions and I've got mine
But if you're trying to tame the lion in me it'll be a waste of your time

And I know that public opinion says to be a realist
But if you tame the beast in me, then I would not exist

'Cause I am wild, wild, wild, I am
'Cause I am wild, wild, wild, I am

Someday - OneRepublic

 

Some days, I'm treading the water
And feel like it's getting deep
Some nights, I drown in the weight
Of the things that I think I need
Sometimes, I feel incomplete, yeah
But you always say to me, say to me

Oh, you say, "Someday when we're older
We'll be shining like we're gold
Yeah, won't we? (Won't we?) Won't we? (Won't we?)
And someday, when we're older
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
Babe happy (happy), happy"
Oh, you say, "Someday when we're older
We won't worry 'bout the things
That we don't need, we don't need
Yeah, one day down the line
Before we both run out of time, you're gonna see
That someday, we'll be all that we need"
Someday, we'll be all that we need

I've been the best, been the worst
Been a ghost in a crowded room
(Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
I took a chance, took a turn
Took a dive, and it led to you
(Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
So many times that I wish
We could be anywhere but here
So many times that I wish
I could see what you see so clear, so clear

Oh, you say, "Someday, when we're older
We'll be shining like we're gold
Yeah, won't we? (Won't we?) Won't we? (Won't we?) Yeah
And someday, when we're older
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
Babe happy (happy), happy"
Oh, you say, "Someday, when we're older
We won't worry 'bout the things
That we don't need (we don't need), we don't need
Yeah, one day, down the line
Before we both run out of time, you're gonna see
That someday, we'll be all that we need"
Someday, we'll be all that we need

Oh, you say, "Someday, when we're older
We'll be shining like we're gold
Yeah, won't we? Won't we?
Someday, down the line
Before we both run out of time, you're gonna see
That someday, we'll be all that we need"

At Least One Remains

Of the three foxes (mom and kits) that gamboled and hunted in our yard in spring and early summer, one seems to have remained. I like to think it's the mother. Yesterday we saw her having breakfast! The photos are not ideal. She sat and started to eat.

However, we were getting our own breakfast in the kitchen, and I think she sensed our movement, because she trotted off to find privacy.

This afternoon I watched her meander through. She explored the entirety of the yard, sniffing at the bird baths in search of water (and found some). Leaving scat in the yard.    

She was quite thorough in her perusal.

And she came quite close to the back door, sniffing the patio intently. 

I'm certain she will return, because this afternoon my husband is smoking tri-tip, and the scent of the meat is very compelling!

A Sunday Walk

Yesterday my husband and I headed off to Calero County Park to hike. It's mostly exposed grassland, with steep rolling hills that eventually lead into California Oak woodland. Along the way spots of chaparral appear, and near water, even small creeks, it becomes riparian. It was a total of four miles and the day was sunny, mid-70s, with an occasional gentle breeze. Now and then we would pause to rest and observe. I'm always amazed by the oak trees.

For example, this is a branch. Oak trees grow crooked and gnarled. They are massive. I've wondered why. Brief research tells me there are four main reasons:

• Phototropism: they chase sunlight, meaning they even bend sideways to find light and space if they are threatened by tree canopy.
• Wind resistance: spiraled trunks and branches help the trees withstand wind so they are resilient and don't break.
• Gravity and soil movement: on steep hillsides, soil can shift minutely, causing young roots to also move. To compensate and resume upward growth, the tree employs specialized cells to grow "tension wood". This is what makes them curved.
• Loss of main leaders: sometimes the central tip of a young tree breaks off. This allows other branches to compensate and creates a gnarled and wide crown.

Eventually we reached the bluff above the reservoir.

There is no trail access down to the water. Another entrance allows for boats to be launched. As far as I can tell, this is not a swimming lake, as it's a water source for the community.

My stamina being a bit limited, we decided to turn around at this point. We traversed two steep hills (both going up and down) and reached the top of the last one. In the distance I could see the parking lot and our car. So tempting to think about cutting across the fields and heading directly to it! (I circled it in purple.)

But no, being environmentally sensitive hikers, we followed the trail. There was quite an array of scat all along our hike. I saw rabbit pellets, and scat with fur in it which I assume was from mountain lion, bobcat, coyote and fox. This is also a horse trail so there were piles of horse apples every so often. 

This is a busy park where the residents have priority. We saw wild turkeys under a large oak close to the lake. On the way back I picked up a turkey feather for my altar. It reminded me of the feather on the cover of my current read, Theo of Golden.

It was a perfect way to spend several hours, and I'm glad we did it then, because we're headed into a hot spell of upper 90s to 100s. 

Autumn Light

 

There is something special about early autumn light. A softness that invites a desire to capture a moment. Doing a little morning reading of Theo of Golden.

Remembering All the Cats I've Loved

The Graves of Cats
The graves of cats are not like
those of dogs or parakeets.
They have been slipped out of

a day or maybe two
after you packed the dark dirt
with the long-handled shovel.

Now as you play with the child
or drink a beer beside the stream
while the swallows skim the wheat,

the cats as though from under the table
stretch and slide past roots
and fallen leaves, and not a blade

of grass disturbed, not a worm,
except at the corner of your eye
there’s a small shift of direction

in the alfalfa, and for a moment
the evening preens and stares
in a way you almost call by name.

–Harry Humes

The Freshman Deposit

This photo is me and my kiddo, Bean. It's the night before the big move-in day for college. An impromptu photo at the restaurant. Tuesday was move-in day and orientation. It went very well, though it was poignant and exhausting. My husband and I long ago had a "Babymoon" when I was five months pregnant (we'd never gotten a honeymoon). Since Bean is attending college in the Pacific Northwest, where we took the Babymoon, we reprised part of that on the drive home. And we decided to name this overall trip "The Freshman Deposit." Cuz we deposited him at school, and this whole endeavor is a deposit for his future. 

It's not a California summer road trip without construction and one-lane roads with long waits. We encountered eight of them in one day.

But the coastal redwoods sure are beautiful!

Now I'm home in this weirdly quiet house. It's not as though Bean made much noise, but I feel the absence of his energy profoundly. Mr. Aenigmas and I will need to develop a new normal. 

I suppose I could feel grateful that the foxes left a welcome home gift. Crow! (Ew.) Yes, at least one fox has remained and made our yard home. I see it sometimes wander through in the afternoon. Sigh. I really am grateful to live alongside wildlife even if I need to clean up gruesome gifts. (Sometimes they return to eat leftovers, but this looks like it had been around a few days.)

T Minus One Day

 

Not seen here is the carryon suitcase that will also travel

Tomorrow is the last day my child will live with me for awhile. We depart the day after tomorrow for the 599 mile drive to Eugene! It's gorgeous there. He'll be in an excellent program, will study, learn new skills, gain more independence, find his people. 

I've intensively parented for just shy of 19 years. The daily busy-ness of life keeps me in the moment and out of feelings, but I bet I'm going to have a few on move-in day!

What Makes Life LIFE

"What is it we remember of a life? From those 28,000 days if we are lucky enough to live that long? Those 960 months? ...Surely our days are measured in small things, small connections, small thoughts. It's not meetings and deals closed. It is our children. Talking of the day, of lunch, of coloring, of nonsense, the parent listening, half listening, not listening, because this is a thing we do, we daily do, morning and afternoon, the little holy rituals that make up a day, a life, a drop-off and pick-up, an expected thing, a known thing, a wave to the crossing guard, to a mom friend, to Ravi and Angie and Brandon, little school friends. My, how they've grown. New lunch box? New backpack? Good day? Hold my hand, sweetheart. Listen to your mother. A shared smile with the other mothers. They know this world. Can you believe this new principal? Did you hear so-and-so got laid off? The deli charges $5 for a half gallon of milk now. Ineffable feelings. The best kind. Words overrated. Time to go home now. She puts him in the car, in his car seat, buckles him in, burying her face in his neck, a little kiss. We'll go home and have a snack and play and then dinner and a bath and bed. A story. Frog and Toad again. Fishy kisses. Super-tuck. He asks for a super-tuck. That's what he calls it. Night, Mom. See you tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. We have time. Of course we have time. Please dear God."

-John Kenney, I See You've Called in Dead

The New Reality

Selfie - hugging a tree in the Sierra Nevadas

I had five targeted doses of radiation over ten days in late June, during which I turned 63. I'm not feeling the latent fatigue they forecast, though I experienced it during treatment. Then I started the medication designed to reduce risk of recurring breast cancer or developing metastatic cancer if I take it five years, called anastrozole. At first I thought I was lucky -- no noticeable side effects in the first couple weeks. Alas, a month in, I'm experiencing what the obliteration of estrogen does to the body. Most prominent is joint pain, sore muscles, and stiffness all over. I feel it especially in my hands and wrists. This brings me back to the misery of my pre-weight loss era; I had so enjoyed pain-free movement the last few years. I experience restless legs while trying to fall asleep, as well as 4 a.m. awakenings. My thoughts are slower -- brain fog. And I feel, on a cellular level, an absence of energetic capacity. The shrunken reserve requires careful choices and an acceptance of the current reality, so I feel some grief too. I have a good life. What's occurring to me is normal. Aging happens, health declines, or is otherwise compromised. I don't love it. Then I look up from writing and glimpse six-point buck wandering through the yard! He lingered long enough to delight me. I hear my child singing upstairs in this rented cabin. No sweeter gift than that.

It's Almost That Time of Year

Photo of the Dove Fire shortly after ignition

"By September the foothills were worn out from the deprivations of the dry season, and everything waited breathlessly for rain. The dusty trails in our canyons were covered with the riverine tracings of whiptail lizards and racer snakes, and although it was still hot, there was a certain aging of the light. The smoke from burning stubble on the rice fields down in the valley backed up against the mountains, and the lowering slant of the sun through it brought a nameless melancholy to the mornings of the well-adjusted, and to the desperate, more desperation. What had you done, now that the year was three quarters gone? What had your life come to? What of the New Year's resolutions you'd made?"

-Jordan Fisher Smith, Nature Noir

All Time Low - Jon Bellion

I was the knight in shining armour in your movie
Would put your lips on mine and love the aftertaste
Now I'm a ghost, I call your name, you look right through me
You're the reason I'm alone and masturbate

I, I, I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie, lie, lie, lie, l-lie, I tried to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time...

Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

I was the prototype like 3 stacks on that CD
An example of the perfect candidate
Now all your girlfriends say that you don't want to see me
You're the reason that I just can't concentrate

I, I, I, I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie, lie, lie, lie, l-lie, I tried to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time...

Low, low, low-low-low, low, low, low, low

I, I, I, I've been trying to fix my pride
But that shit's broken, that shit's broken
Lie, lie, lie, lie, l-lie, I tried to hide
But now you know it
That I'm at an all time...

Low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

Lie, l-lie, I try to hide
But now you know it
I'm at an all time...

Hey!

Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

Of Days Gone By - Bruce Maginnis, Kate Henshaw

 

The leaves are falling and summer's gone 
She's walking slowly, it won't be long 
The Greyhound bus pulls out, turns down a street 
There's no one coming out to see her leave 
She won't need those pretty clothes, gonna be a factory girl 
Just like her mama said, there'll be no fairy tales 
City lights and lonely nights 
And no one around to lend a hand 
She kept one picture and some old letters 
A faded ribbon of days gone by 
She tied her long hair... 
 Folds up her pretty clothes with tears on her face 
She knows she's dreaming, she'll never...

Lemon Drop - Raynes

Soon I'll be at the top
And probably choke on a lemon drop
It's really embarrassing
But this look is everything

I'm willing to brave disgrace
And leave just a pretty blue face
Well, maybe it seems insane
But at least you're entertained

They fall for you when they see that you've got away
It's all for you, but they beg for it anyway
They love the lines that you hardly remember at all
It's better if you live fast and leave too soon

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

The rush is alright
The rush is alright

So is it overkill
If I move to Beverly Hills
And savor the kinds of thrills
That fit through a 20-dollar bill?

I'll probably lose control
And tie a ticket to my tumble-down soul
Or maybe I'll make the trade
To be the prince of another parade

They dress me up and I throw them another smile
Impress the party, but I'm still my mother's child
All fragile bones, I should never be left alone
If I'm lucky, I can live fast
And leave too soon

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

The rush is alright
The rush is alright

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

I'm telling 'em that I won't stop
Until it gets even sweeter
Suckin' on a lemon drop
I'll taste the shock 'til it melts away
How long before I finally forget the place
That left such a sour taste?
But the sugar rush is alright

December - Collective Soul

 

Why drink the water from my hand
Contagious as you think I am
Just tilt my sun towards your domain
Your cup runneth over again

Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

Why follow me to higher ground
Lost as you swear I am
Don't throw away your basic needs
Ambiance and vanity

Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing
December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing

(December promise you gave unto me)
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
(December whispers of treachery)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
(December clouds are now covering me)
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
(December songs no longer I sing)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out

(December promise you gave unto me)
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
(December whispers of treachery)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out
(December clouds are now covering me)
Don't worry 'bout, don't speak of doubt
(December songs no longer I sing)
Turn your head, now, baby, just spit me out