Inside - East Forest

Celebration!

On this, my 63rd birthday, nature's gift to me is the delight of three gray foxes in my back yard. We noticed one fox June 4, and my husband saw two last week. This morning all three were scampering around the yard. They are moving between my neighbor's yard (where I think they have a den) and ours. This photo is not high quality; they move so fast. I think it's a mom and kits. 

As best as I can tell, this is the Townsend's Gray Fox, a subspecies of gray fox that lives in northern California and Oregon. We live close to the foothills of Santa Cruz mountains. The hills a mile away have coyotes, deer, turkeys, rattlesnakes, and mountain lions (rare but there). Mountain lions and coyotes prey on the fox, so it makes sense they are denning farther away. We have rats (that like to eat the fruit from trees), so I don't mind having the foxes around. It has never happened in all the years I've lived in this house, and it feels incredibly precious to witness this. 

This morning I have a doctor appointment, and this afternoon I have a radiation treatment. Welcome to the sixties! (Not really. I've noticed an upward trend in medical visits over the past five years or so.) People ask if I'm doing something special. Nope! I don't need to. As long as it's a good day, with moments of joy and savoring, it's special enough. 

I received two birthday cards (from husband and son) that were perfectly chosen, as well as some gifts. One of the gifts being an array of circle punches ranging in diameter from 3 inches to .3 inch. I look forward to cutting and playing with circles and making collages. I will encircle the world!

The other gift is a new fitness band of a different brand (Garmin), since the Fitbit I was using kept flaking out. And we all know the unmeasured life is not worth living! (Joke!) It's been a useful tool in becoming more healthy and maintaining. Some of us just do better when we keep track of ourselves.

I'm thinking this evening I'll have a backyard fire in the fire pit. I love a good campfire. It's Midsummer! I'm celebrating the light and life.

The Storm - Marshall Potts

Didn’t I Warn You
 
Didn’t I Warn You Enough
 
Didn’t I Give You
 
Didn’t I Give You What You Want

 
Didn’t I Love You 

Didn’t I Love You Enough
 
Didn’t I Save You
 
Didn’t I Save You From Yourself

  

When the Wind comes it brings change (We are worlds apart)
 
And Only Truth alone remains (We are worlds Away) 

Cause it reveals your Pain (We are worlds apart)
 
That’s Why The Storm Came 
 

Didn’t I Hold You 

Didn’t I Hold You Enough

You Couldn’t Feel Me
 You Were Just Drowning In Your Loss


I Couldn’t Heal You 
I Couldn’t Heal You Enough
 I Couldn’t See You
I Couldn’t Feel the Weight of Your Cross

 

In my broken Heart I see (We are worlds apart)
 
What the Storm revealed in Me (We are worlds away)
 
That we reflect the Love we Seek (We are worlds apart)
 
That’s why I came to Say (We have to change our ways) 

Wake Up
 
Just Get UP
 
Let’s Go, Let’s Go!!!

 

Didn’t I Warn You
 
Didn’t I Warn You Enough
 
Didn’t I Give You
 
Didn’t I Give You My Love

(We reflect the Love We Seek)


On Target

Today I received my first targeted radiation treatment. Because the cancer was caught so early and was so small, I'm eligible for partial breast radiation rather than whole breast. I have a total of five sessions, another benefit of early detection. The process took ten minutes, and I felt nothing but appreciation. 

I appreciate how something that could kill me can, in the right dose and delivery method, improve my healthspan. I appreciate the scientific method and the curiosity of humans who pursue questions and hypotheses that lead to such discoveries. 

I appreciate my life.

How I Read

 

I read a lot. My mind requires it, just as much as my body needs to breathe, and I need sleep, and to eat. 

I saw the image above on social media the other day, and it captured the essence of my reading style. I left a comment: "Yes! I think of reading as a kind of transubstantiation (if you're Catholic you'll grok the term). Something wonderfully mysterious happens in reading that changes me as a reader, and I don't completely have to understand or remember details for the experience to have a benefit."

I'm in the process of reading several novels, and as of the end of June I'll have read 28 books. My goal is 52, but I'll see how it goes. 

The three fiction standouts so far are Loved and Missed, James, and Orbital.

I read all of Andrea Gibson's poetry, and love Lord of the Butterflies the most.

My inner nerd thoroughly devoured The Devil's Teeth: a True Story of Obsession and Survival Among America's Great White Sharks. No open water swimming in the Pacific Ocean for me! 

And I read a book for a reading club that really aligned with an inner shift, and helped me to clarify goals. That book is Life in Five Senses: How Exploring the Senses Got Me Out of My Head and Into the World. With the ICE invasions and murders in Minnesota in January, I realized that my well-being relies on getting off social media and news sites. I became so aware that I don't want to be on my death bed regretting that I had not made more art. The book (which I listened to) alerted me to many small practices I can employ to actually live my life. Not long after this shift and reading the book, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Ok, universe, my dear AmoreVita, message received and action engaged.

Bad - U2

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay, see you walk, walk away
Into the night, and through the rain
Into the half light and through the flame

If I could, through myself, set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away, see you break, break away
Into the light and to the day

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

To let it go and so to fade away
To let it go and so fade away
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake, wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

If you should ask, then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood-shot eyes

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

This desperation, dislocation
Separation, condemnation
Revelation, in temptation
Isolation, desolation
Let it go and so fade away
To let it go, oh yeah, and so fade away
To let it go, oh no, and so to fade away

I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake
Wide awake, I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

Stage Two

I'm almost seven weeks out from the lumpectomy and bilateral reduction. I'm learning about the complexity of healing involved. I've had a "granulating wound healing by secondary intention," which is an open wound where the sutures didn't quite heal after surgery, and it needs to heal from the inside out. My breasts are also re-vascularizing, which takes time. The incisions are healing very well (except that one spot), and my body feels more like me. I still have to pace my activity. If I do a lot one day, the next day requires a slower pace. No hikes for me yet!

On Monday I begin radiation, which I'm referring to as stage two. My good fortune is that the surgery got all the tumor, which was very, very small, with no lymph node involvement. Because it was so small and localized, I qualify for partial breast radiation of only five sessions every other day. Again, a case for early detection when there is a family history and/or dense breast tissue. The MRI caught the cancer, not the mammogram. I expect there will be an aftereffect of fatigue once it's done. But only five sessions!

Once I'm done with that on July 1, I'll begin taking the aromatase inhibitors, a medication that targets this cancer if it recurs in another part of my body. I'm to take this for five years. The only concern is that it can cause severe joint pain, brain fog, and osteoporosis. Having worked very hard to lose weight and become fit and enjoying the absence of joint pain as a result, I hope this isn't a side effect I have to deal with. If I can't tolerate the med I was prescribed, there are other ones, though they all have similar beastly side effects. And perhaps I'll be lucky again and not experience any. (The osteoporosis is a concern, since my mother had it severely and my Dexa scan last year showed early bone thinning.) 

One step at a time. 

A Garden Story

I wrote this for a snail mail swap project with a theme of "writing about your garden." The photos were unwieldy for the email, so I've posted the letter here. Please note, if you want to see a bigger photo just click on it in the blog post. Also, I am in garden zone 9b (San Jose), meaning it rarely falls below freezing and provides a long growing season. It falls in the Heat Zones 7 or 8 (about 60 to 120 days of extreme heat per year). Because USDA zones do not account for coastal fog or ocean breezes, the specific UC Master Gardeners of Santa Clara County highly recommend checking the Sunset Climate Zones. San Jose is primarily Zone 14 or 15 (which accounts for the mild Mediterranean climate with marine air).

Dear PK and RR,

I joined this swap after reading the note of encouragement to do so, when it was made clear that having a Better Homes and Gardens quality garden was not required. 

I am, despite many years of aspiration, not a gardener. I'm the daughter of master gardeners who has made many attempts but lack the discipline to persist. At least when it comes to gardening. Below is a recent photo of my backyard. Typically in the summer drought it's brown (we don't water the grass, to conserve), and it grows hugely during rainy season. I mowed it once a few months ago after it was 3 feet tall, and drat, it grew again! A bout of illness prevented me from mowing again. Here is what it looked like until last weekend. We had several volunteer trees that had grown by the orange tree, and weeds taller than my husband on the side yard. (My husband has for years taken care of the front yard in an effort to not be a blight on the neighborhood, but he has no love for gardening either.)

It made a wonderful little meadow for many birds and lizards, but the grass that grows produces seeds with needle-tip points that catch on clothes. Ouch! Our visitors include raccoons, opossums, rats, squirrels, and neighborhood cats. Birds in my yard include Mourning Dove, Western Screech Owl, Great Horned Owl, Anna's Hummingbird, American Crow, Northern Mockingbird, Cedar Waxwing, Chestnut-backed Chickadee, Bewick's Wren, Dark-eyed Junco, California Towhee, House Sparrow, House Finch, and Brown-headed Cowbird. 

However, on June 4 (my son's high school graduation day), we had an auspicious visitor using our yard as a day spa -- a California gray fox! We live near the foothills of the Santa Cruz mountains and wildlife is only about 1 mile away. In all 16 years of living in this house, this is the first time a fox visited. 

He or she lounged in the yard about an hour. I've heard it said the foxes are dog hardware that runs on cat software. I hadn't known until that day that they (gray foxes) can climb trees and fences, as their wrists rotate!

Anyhow, I finally broke down and hired someone to come out and clean up the yard, and I will have him come routinely from now on to mow and blow. Here's what it looks like now and what was dragged to the street. And hope rises eternally in me. I can feel my aspirational gardener thinking, "Now that we've hired someone do maintain it and to help with special projects like mulching, trimming, and managing the sprinkler system, I might tend to it more..."

Even though I'm a crap gardener, I do appreciate flowers. Below are some photos I took of flowers in my parents' garden in past years. They are no longer alive, and I like to think their energy is now flowing into all growing things. 

My parents had many decorative signs in their garden. One was a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson from the poem Hamatreya, "The earth laughs in flowers." The other sign was a stanza from a poem by Dorothy Frances Gurney: 

The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth,
One is nearer God's heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on earth.

Wishing you a vibrant Litha and a joyous summer season!

Warmly,

MindfulOne/Kathryn

The Graduate

The days are long but the years are short. The first week of June we celebrated our son's completion of high school and the 13 years of formal education provided by the public school system. This is a significant achievement, not to be dismissed by the fact that earning a good living requires education beyond high school. We are really proud of our son and excited for where he'll go in the fall, into a more independent venture. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Visionary

 

I am the One who wonders and imagines about our origins. I enjoy the unknowable. I am the One who explores. I am the One who dances on the edge.

What is your gift or message for me?

The questions aren't necessarily meant to be answered; they exist to inspire wonder and gratitude.

What do you want me to do?

Meet the unknown within you.

Why did you show up today?

You are ready.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is unconsciousness. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Seeker

I am the One who is insatiably hungry and thirsty for knowledge. I am the one who is connected to Big Mind. I am the one who would sacrifice health for understanding. I am the one who values knowledge.

What is your gift or message for me?

The message is "You'll never know everything," and there are other ways of knowing. Stay open to all the paths. 

What do you want me to do?

Let knowledge embody you. Go beyond knowing in your head. Be grateful for curiosity and trust where it will lead you.

Why did you show up today?

I showed up because I see the Seeker in my daughter as a precious responsibility to acknowledge and nurture. 

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is mistaking knowledge for reality. And the shadow is also confusing ego, or small mind, with Presence, or Big Mind. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Observer

I am the One who observes. I am the One who is the noticer. I am the One who is camouflaged and easy to miss, but I am always present. I am the One who records and speaks through the word.

What is your gift or message for me?

The act of observation and paying attention is an expression of love.

What do you want me to do?

Be the conduit. Write what you see and experience. Write what you think.

Why did you show up today?

Because you're ignoring yourself and you are ignoring your need to connect.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is confining yourself to simply observing and not giving yourself to expression. The light is the healing and life that comes from engaging in the total process.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Networker

             

I am the One who travels and plants seeds. I am the one who adds color, noise, and music to life. I explore new environments and find ways to make a nest anywhere. I am the one who builds community out of many different participants. 

What is your gift or message for me?

Every connection matters. It's fruitful to participate in the world. 

What do you want me to do?

Take more risks. Stop telling yourself that the world of your senses is too impermanent to bother with. See the value of the type of life the ego creates.

Why did you show up today?

Because you've been hiding behind spiritual ideas as a lofty excuse when it is really just fear of mess and conflict, and you are being called to change.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The light is that life can actually be a game and games can be fund, and you need to go and play. The shadow is getting wrapped up in superficial parts of the networks and getting distracted. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Mystic

I am the One who has a strong back, who knows that there are billions of windows to understanding. I am the one through whom the universe flows. I am the one who is being gestated. I am the one who is bigger than the boundaries others place on me. 

What is your gift or message for me?

That strength and flexibility can co-exist, and it's okay to be dizzy and overwhelmed by the unknowable, and to trust. 

What do you want me to do?

Practice stillness, opens yourself wide, relax.

Why did you show up today?

I am always here. It's just that you were ready to see me today.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is distraction.

My Love List

 

I recently participated in a swap where the project was to write a highly descriptive list of things I love. I received a beautifully poetic one from my partner in China. I sent mine to my assigned recipient in Canada. I figured it would be nice to share it here. 

My Love List – from MindfulOne

1. The several dozen different birds that sing me awake each morning. Even the damn crows, who start a ruckus at 5 a.m. Oh, and the owls I hear at night.
2. Puns! I love sneaking a pun into conversation, the reactions I get. I love reading puns aloud, and I love that some of them make me laugh hysterically (especially “naughty” ones).
3. Ribeye steak cooked medium is deeply savory and delightful. My husband cooks them perfectly.
4. The redwood forest, especially the old growth ones, where I can feel the centuries in the atmosphere as I hike through.
5. Taking walks to the local turtle pond; sometimes I see turtles, or ducks, and always the overgrown koi. Several times I’ve seen a wild turkey – one even flew up into a tree.
6. Strong black coffee in the morning; black tea with honey in the afternoon.
7. How I feel after I’ve done a strong cardio session on the elliptical or a hearty walk – strong, clear, vibrant, connected intimately with life.
8. Ambient, instrumental, meditative music; folk music; eclectic alternative; trip-hop music; so many kinds of music that I listen to daily that helps me create and work.
9. Losing myself in hours of flow when I paint, draw, collage, and write.
10. I love my husband, who is my best friend and life’s gift to me.
11. I love my child, whose existence has also taught me the importance of mothering myself, and who is also life’s gift to me.
12. Chocolate, mostly dark.
13. Baskin Robbins Love Potion #31 ice cream: a seasonal white chocolate and raspberry ice cream infused with raspberry swirls, chocolate chips, and raspberry filled hearts. I love especially that my local store orders enough to serve beyond February, into the end of April.
14. Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey Ice cream.
15. Camping, seeing national parks, and big campfires that last late.
16. Reading books of all kinds, ones that teach me and ones that entertain.
17. I love babies; they are so fresh and innocent, having just emerged into the world; they evoke a fierce energy in me to protect and cherish, and it feels like connection with something holy.
18. Sunny days and clear skies with enough cool to maybe need a sweater.
19. Rainy days that wash the streets clean and feel cozy.
20. Seasons: I grew up with experiencing four seasons and now experience roughly two where I live now.
21. Dancing, especially something called Ecstatic Dance, which is a free-form movement practice in a safe space with no alcohol, no shoes, no talking on the dance floor, in order to experience the joy of being.
22. Afternoon naps.
23. Cats and rabbits (I’ve had both as pets); really any animal that is friend-shaped.
24. Deep conversation over coffee with friends.
25. Looking for and finding beauty.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Muse

 

I am the One who plants seeds and inspires your creative process. I am the One who connects you to the unknown; I am your companion and inspiration.

What is your gift or message for me?

Let go of worrying and trust the process.

What do you want me to do?

To find me you need to engage with me, so get cracking.

Why did you show up today?

You are folding in on yourself with worry, and I came to remind you -- you only have the present and creation is now.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is too many ideas at once which makes for distraction. The light is that you are part of creation. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Hunter

I am the One who hunts and kills. I am focused, unsentimental, and purposeful. I hunt with intention. I am strong, lethal, and efficient.

What is your gift or message for me?

Sometimes life requires sacrifice. Life can require you to sacrifice your softness to do what is hard, even if it hurts others.

What do you want me to do?

This is a shadow side you avoid. Acknowledge it.

Why did you show up today?

To challenge you.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The light is that an ending is also a beginning. It is all of a piece.