How God Remembers That Which is Least

This was originally written in January 2016.

Yesterday I walked home from dropping my daughter at school, and I passed by a wounded mourning dove on the sidewalk. It was camouflaged and nearly undetectable. In a matter of seconds my eye saw it, my heart said, Oh! Poor creature, and my legs kept walking. I thought -- actually, I felt a physical pressure in my torso -- the prompt of compassion to move it off the sidewalk, and this was immediately chased away by the thought, Remember, avian flu, don't want to get something like that.

I kept walking, but a debate occurred between my mind and that felt part of me. I hesitate to call it my heart, because it filled my torso. It was an interesting experience, since another part of me was detached enough to witness the event. This is what unfolded:

Feet are walking.

Head: Keep going. It could have disease.

Heart: You can wash your hands as soon as you get home. It's vulnerable. At least move it off the sidewalk.

Head: It's probably going to die.

Feet keep walking.

Heart: Just move it! Even if it dies, let it be somewhere safer.

Head: No, it's silly. It's just a bird. Not a big deal. Besides, I'm several houses past it.

Heart: Go back. Go back, pick it up, and put it under a bush. 

Feet move more slowly.

Head: You're kidding, right? Feet, keep walking. It's no big deal.

Feet continue to move, even more slowly.

Heart: You must go back. Turn around, walk back, and move the bird. It's a living creature.

Feet stop.

Head: Really?

Heart: Really.

My body turned around, my feet walked half a block back to the bird. I leaned down and gently cupped my hands around it. I lifted the bird and saw that it was dead. Its eyes remained open, but there was not even the slightest movement of a feather. I tucked it under a bush. I wasn't thinking. The act itself felt like a prayer. I took out my phone and snapped a picture. It was just a bird, but it had been living and now it wasn't. It seemed right to memorialize it in a photo. Then I stood up and began walking home.

Peace coursed through my body. It was an act of compassion, however small.

Heart: Thank you.

Head: Okay, just be sure to wash your hands really well when you get home.

Today, a scripture from my childhood came to mind, Luke 12:6: "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God."

We are God's eyes. We are called to remember. That is how God moves in the world.

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Needy Glutton

I am one who overeats sweet, salty, fatty foods because they taste delicious. I eat mindlessly and compulsively. I am one who uses food to manage my emotions and distract myself. I am one who does this despite knowing that overconsumption is like playing with a loaded gun. 

What is your gift or message for me?

This is a real part of you. It is possible you have an actual addiction to sugar, refined flour, and fat.

What do you want me to do?

Knowing, owning, and accepting this part of yourself will be part of your journey.

Why did you show up today?

Because you pretend I don't exist... and I insist on being acknowledged.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The light is gusto.

Sitting With Anxiety

Sitting With Anxiety

Up until recently I actively avoided Anxiety whenever I saw her coming my way. Unfortunately, she would always see me trying to dodge her, and she would pursue me, shouting, "Hey, wait, I need to talk to you!" I've never liked her. The whole of her personality irritates me. She could be considered high strung. Anxiety is a chain-smoker. She looks like a famine survivor from hardly eating, and her hands tremble. Her skin is blotchy from lack of sleep, and the worry lines around her face seem engraved into her skin, even though she is my age.

Moreover, an encounter with Anxiety always leaves me perturbed, restless, and edgy. Sometimes I feel extremely irritated with her. Anxiety has an ability to pop up in many places I don't expect her. I'm amazed to see her at so many social functions, because I know her presence has a similar effect on other people. Anxiety is always bemoaning some imagined future catastrophe. She worries and reads danger into the slightest mishaps. She has a habit of showing up almost constantly when my life is chaotic. I've spent many years listening to her stories and reacting in alarm to them. I've tried to get rid of her politely, but when she won't leave, I seethe with resentment. I've even ordered her out a few times, yet she always returns. And as long as I engage in this judgmental avoidant way, she feeds off this and won't leave.

Well, I had an epiphany the other day. Anxiety caught up with me, and rather than dismiss her, or listen politely while swallowing my annoyance, I decided to withhold judgment a moment. I asked myself, "What is Anxiety trying to communicate? What does she want?" As I pondered life from her perspective, I realized that Anxiety sees herself as my friend. And, because she is naturally tense and worried, her perceptions of the world are tainted by this. As my friend, she is simply looking out for me, in the best way she knows how. Even if it means warning me of imagined dangers. I have the power to choose how I listen to her. I can believe her and react in alarm, allowing her tension to inflame me. Or I can receive her kind intent while detaching myself from the content of her words.

So now, when Anxiety finds me, I make myself available for a few moments. Often what she seeks is reassurance. I hold her trembling hands and acknowledge her worries. Once she knows I have heard her, she is satisfied for a while and flits off to someone else. Anxiety does have her place in this world. I am learning, though, how to keep this relationship in perspective.

-- Kathryn Harper

Photo:“1BabnnxO1xPYXBziw4xB--0--knth4” by Amanda Girard, CC BY-SA 4.0

I wrote this reflection in the style of Ruth Gendler and her lovely work, The Book of Qualities.

Robert DeLong - Long Way Down

I've been fucking around while you've been saving the world
I've been out of my mind
I've been dreaming things and scheming things
I've been smoking the poison
You've been slinging your anecdotes
I've been fucking around while you were saving the world
From nothing

The end, the end
Things will never go our way
The end, the end
Things will never go

So take it in, don't hold your breath
The bottom's all I found
We can't get higher than we get
On the long way down

On the long way down
On the long way down

Burning mud in my eyes, blinding me from the truth
If there's a shadow in me
The dark is a tidal wave inside of you
Taking shots of communion
Getting drunk on your antidote
I'll save you a seat next to me down below

The end, the end
Everyone will go away
The end, the end
Everything will go

So take it in, don't hold your breath
The bottom's all I've found
We can't get higher than we get
On the long way down

On the long way down
On the long way down

Oh, ooh, oh, oh, ooh, oh, oh, oh [x4]

On the long way down
On the long way down, down, down

So take it in, don't hold your breath
The bottom's all I've found
We can't get higher than we get
On the long way down

On the long way down
On the long way down

So take it in, don't hold your breath
The bottom's all I've found
We can't get higher than we get
On the long way down

On the long way down

On the long way down

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Miracle Worker

I am one who, in the season of scarcity, was able to produce new life. I am one who creates and who is rich deep inside. I received a gift from the universe. I am one whose body is luscious and full and vibrant.

What is your gift or message for me?

That the universe is full of marvelous surprises, and you're on a journey of creating life, even as you gain years of age. 

What do you want me to do?

Trust life, trust your intuition, continue delving in.

Why did you show up today?

I want you to celebrate your body and your life in all its power.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is forgetting that there is more than meets the senses... forgetting that this body is just a temporary vehicle.

Sometimes I Get the Zoomies

Sometimes when I have sessions with clients I internally experience what I call the zoomies. This is a term those of us with pet rabbits use (along with binkies) to describe a frisky, frenetic state we sometimes observe in them. It's a high energy expression that I interpret as sheer joy. In my situation, it's an emotional, spiritual, existential event.

It arises from the interaction I have with a client, when my heart feels connected to theirs, when I am flooded with gratitude to be in the room with them, in this role, doing what I've been gifted and trained to do: to serve in ways that help the person heal and grow. Sometimes this feeling brings me to the point where I feel close to tears. Another word for what I feel is love.

How fortunate I am! I'm grateful to life, and I'm grateful to myself for persevering through all the obstacles and challenges over the years to establish myself in this role. And lastly, I'm grateful for my husband, whose steadfast company and material provision over many years sustained me while I took a detour from the profession to immerse myself in motherhood and other experiences, before I wound my way back to this role.

“Footloose” by Porsupah Ree, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Tender Protection

                                    

I am one who is small and frightened, who needs protection. I am one who wanted protection. I am one who wants an all-present Mother, who wants tenderness.

What is your gift or message for me?

That in mothering Bean the way I wanted to be mothered I am being healed.

What do you want me to do?

Hold yourself tenderly. Remember fear is an idea and love heals. So take time to love when you feel fear.

Why did you show up today?

Because you were ready to pay attention to me at last.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is abandonment, feelings of abandonment. The light is that attention is love.

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Hot Tomato

I am one who is juicy and curvy and full of life. I am sweet and tangy. I am tempting. I am the dame they call a Hot Tomato.

What is your gift or message for me?

Be in the fullness of your body. Take up space. Tomatoes go with everything.

What do you want me to do?

Show yourself off to the world. Be proud of your abundance.

Why did you show up today?

Because you're ripe.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is over-ripeness, fruit rotting on the vine. The light is celebration.

Pearl Jam - Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town

I seem to recognize your face
Haunting familiar yet I can't seem to place it
Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name
Lifetimes are catching up with me
All these changes taking place I wish I'd seen the place
But no one's ever taken me
Hearts and thoughts they fade fade away

I swear I recognize your breath
Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising
Me you wouldn't recall, for I'm not my former
It's hard when, your stuck upon the shelf
I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate
Perhaps that's what no one wants to see
I just want to scream, hello
My god its been so long, never dreamed you'd return
But now here you are, and here I am
Hearts and thoughts they fade, away

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away
Hearts and thoughts they fade, away
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away
Hearts and thoughts they fade

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Fragile

I am one who is delicate. I am beautiful and must be handled with care.

What is your gift or message for me?

My fragility requires care, and care requires attention. 

What do you want me to do?

Handle yourself gently, especially your inner child heart.

Why did you show up today?

You are hurting. See this part of you and provide tenderness.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

Remember that fragile things can be repaired if broken but may not be restored to original condition. 

Tend Your Fire

Your inner landscape is a forest that has grown for six decades.

Very little new can grow, and it makes sense that you can't figure 

out which way to go. Everything is overgrown,

tangled, and dense. Nothing can move through it.

All this growth is the result of living your life in the context of your parents' lives,

and their experiences influenced how they parented. Your forest holds all of 

their trauma, which was untreated.

Yes. They did the best they could. And in many ways they did a great job.

But in raising you they implicitly handed you their emotional undergrowth.

And they were also a generation of savers and holders; possessions

held meaning and create attachment. This generation feels that objects have 

great value, which is simply one worldview -- not an absolute Truth. 

This has been your reality; it's the element in which 

you grew up. So of course you haven't really seen this.

It's been your normal.

You built a life within that emotional structure and

created as meaningful a life as possible, and it's been a

good life. When you transitioned from career to retirement,

the structure fell away, and now you are noticing how

stifled your soul feels.

Maybe you don't need to burn it all down.

But controlled burns could be useful.

To start a fire you need a spark.

Somewhere within you there is a hot spot, a few embers

that have quietly burned your entire life.

It is the mystery of consciousness when it is embodied.

As long as our bodies are alive, it exists.

So why has it not ignited all the overgrowth yet? 

It's buried so deeply in your subconscious,

like the underground coal fire in an abandoned mine

in Centralia, Pennsylvania, which has burned 

since 1962.

Your equanimity about your parents doing

the best they could is the dense earth,

weighed by gravity, covering your buried fire.

You have a gentle temperament with a compassionate 

streak. It's a gift. And yet any trait in excess creates

challenges. This is yours.

Your work is to uncover your embers, let

air in, rearrange the fuel, and allow ignition.

Fire is amazing. It can be destructive when unconfined, 

but it can warm us, give light, keep us alive. We get 

to have s'mores with them. Tend your fire.

-Kathryn Harper

A Glimmer For Today

Hello! I'd like to introduce you to Sydney. They are in the lower left corner of this photo.

Many years ago I was quite phobic about spiders. I'm talking about not being able to sleep if I saw a spider in my bedroom, visceral physical reactions of disgust at seeing one, and intense terror. I loved reading Charlotte's Web and understood intellectually how helpful they were. But this couldn't get past my lizard brain response.

In my 20s I began to work on shifting this. I made myself look at them more closely if I saw them outdoors. I worked on talking myself down to a calmer state. Rather than killing them when I found them at home, I began to rescue and release them. I still had the heebie jeebies with some of the bigger ones. If I found one in the car I'd probably melt down. But for the most part I've gotten over the phobia.

I'm not a passionate or dedicated housekeeper. Dusting feels pointless. The house is neat but a bit cobwebby around the corners. Last September a spider established a small home base on the kitchen sink window. We had a problem with fruit flies in October, and Sydney was quite helpful resolving it. They began to weave a more elaborate home, and I decided as long as it remained confined to the windowsill I would leave it be.

And here we are, six months later. Sydney remains, and the sill is strewn with little carcasses of prior meals. I'm not sure how long spiders live but am impressed how much time has elapsed with Sydney at the sill. I would never have envisioned me allowing this years ago. 

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Feline Familiars

I am one who is soft and curvy, and I am one who is fierce. I am one who enjoys pleasure and will communicate. I am one who is a mystery. I am one who is subtle. And I am one who is primal.

What is your gift or message for me?

Remember to indulge in things that give you joy, comfort, and pleasure.

What do you want me to do?

Watch things. Take your head and eyes out of your computer and watch kitty television, which is watching the world. Be curious about everything around you.

Why did you show up today?

It's been almost a year since Stella died. She was a good friend for 17 years and she is still with you.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is a tendency to laziness and to sneakiness. The light is the magnificent pleasure of being.

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Drowning Samaritan

I am one who tries to rescue others from churning situations. I am one who is sometimes drowning. Parts of me flail in the chaos of living. I am one who tries to contain myself in a little boat, but it is too frail and too small for the task. The container has cracked, letting water (chaos) in.

What is your gift or message for me?

Adapt. Sometimes you can help others. Other times you need to rescue yourself. Learn to swim. Choose the right tool for the job; a bucket is not a boat.

What do you want me to do?

Recognize and respect the power of flow and chaos.

Why did you show up today?

Because you are preoccupied with the severe drought in California, and with Stella's increasing infirmities which feel overwhelming.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

Don't get in over your head.

SoulCollage® Committee Suit: Contentment

I am one who appreciates what I have. I am able to accept what IS. I am free of striving, yearning, and clinging. I simply enjoy what I enjoy. I understand contentment. 

What is your gift or message for me?

I am the outcome of the practice of presence, attunement, experiencing all senses.

What do you want me to do?

Each day notice one small pleasure for each sense: sight, sound, scent, taste, touch.

Why did you show up today?

Because you deserve to be reminded.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

Don't pursue me. I cannot be encountered through pursuit. I arrive when you are attending to life's pleasures.

Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
Of what's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone