SoulCollage® Community Suit: Catholic Roots

I am one who was your first faith community. I taught you the importance of ritual. I was your first introduction to death. I was the one who took you in, who showed you how not to be in your spiritual journey.

What is your gift or message for me?

To remind you that Jesus and the Catholic church are not synonymous, and that there can be truth in imperfection. Messengers are fallible, but that doesn't mean the message is worthless. 

What do you want me to do?

Appreciate the foundation I provided. Continue your journey exploring the connections between Christ's message and those of other spiritual paths. Go to mass once in awhile and participate in communion with me.

Why did you show up today?

Because you miss that part of yourself. You want to connect with the girl who believe and with the holiness of ritual.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is getting swept up thinking about the heinous crimes the church has committed and forgetting the original message Christ communicated. 

Ocean Eyes - Billie Eilish

Rage Is What I Feel

Hearing "you have cancer" shifts everything. I don't want to be a fucking warrior and survivor. I want not to have cancer.

While the treatments have improved outcomes, they do so with heavy side effects and SERIOUS secondary risks to other vital organs and general health.

What I'm concerned about are cascading impacts. I'm not 45, I'm nearly 63; overall just older and more vulnerable. I have chronic kidney disease. So NSAIDS are out of the question. I have osteopenia. There may be other unidentified health issues that could emerge as a result of treatment impact. 

By cascading impact I'm thinking: Aromatase inhibitors can cause severe joint pain. This pain interferes with quality of life and reduces motivation to move, and no NSAIDS can be taken. Reluctance to push through pain and exercise thus increases, causing more poor health. Cheerleading to "push through" and exercise will only do so much. I spent years in all over body pain from my mid-40s until I dropped all my weight. I have relished feeling pain free (for the most part) and the vitality it offers. The prospective return to the pain state is depressing.

Radiation treatment can damage the heart, leading to surgery for repairs. It can damage lungs leading to breathing problems. It can cause secondary cancers. It's RADIATION.

And yes, cancer can be managed. There are people living with stage 4 cancers as chronic conditions. But it's a compromise, and capacity is reduced. Mobility and energy are severely impacted. 

Last year I was healthy. This year I have two malignant tumors. I have plans and goals that I may no longer have ability to pursue. I do not want my Mom's elderhood experience. It was miserable. It began in her mid-60s and was a long slide into pain and decrepitude.

So right now I'm enraged about this turn of events. I don't feel philosophical about this. I don't care that the big C isn't as lethal as it was decades ago. It's still lethal, and recurrence can happen, and it means living with this fact in the forefront of my mind for the rest of my days. And that's after I have surgery to amputate part or all of my breasts. Recovery from that can take painful months. Meds are hard on the body, and I get to take them for up to a decade so the breast cancer doesn't return in some other part of my body. While my bones disintegrate in the process on the medication.

We're all mortal and older, and we know this intellectually. I tell you that it feels very different, dire and scary, when it becomes the actual reality. This diagnosis feels like I got pushed off a cliff. And yes, I'm glad it's not stage 4. But it's still fucking cancer.

Comments attempting to reassure me of the good outcome possible blithely ignore the monumental impacts and suffering to potentially achieve this. Those comments are relevant to me strictly coming from women who have faced the same situation, options, and decisions.

As I learn about having multifocal/multicentric breast cancer, gather information about treatment, and face decisions, I'm not sure I have the desire or tolerance to share more details ongoing. I'm angry and grieving. I need to get through this with as much equanimity as possible. And I need to help my child cope with momma's illness while he's trying to graduate and be excited about college and launching into independence. It's fucking sad is what it is.

“rage” by roger901, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

SoulCollage® Community Suit: Ed Shirley

 

I am one who teaches and loves the questions more than the answers. I love laughing and playing music. I am comfortable with uncertainty. I am one who understands that the teachings of Buddha and Christ are connected. I am one who unites with the Mystery and understands it is possible to miss people one has never known in this world. I am one who left incarnation suddenly and without warning, but I remain. I am one who recognized the hero savior's journey int he Harry Potter series, and taught the parallels between Potter and Christianity. I am one who is fearless about death: "After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

What is your gift or message for me?

Intangible treasures exist all around you, but you need to see with the eyes of a beginner.

What do you want me to do?

Remember me as a touchstone on your journey.

Why did you show up today?

Because you honor and remember me, and in doing so you do real good in the world. 

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is intellectualizing the journey.

Technicolor Beat - Oh Wonder

SoulCollage® Community Suit: Austin

I am one who beckoned you with home and possibilities. I provided opportunities for learning, suffering, growth, and love. I am one who made you courageous. I proved the quote you held precious -- that inspired you to more 1,800 miles sight unseen, with no job or residence arranged in advance -- was true. "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur that would never otherwise have occurred." -- W. H. Murray

What is your gift or message for me?

You are powerful and brave.

What do you want me to do?

Keep taking leaps of faith.

Why did you show up today?

To congratulate you and celebrate you.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is clinging to the past in nostalgia.

SoulCollage® Community Suit: Alex

 

I am one who journeys with you. I am one who joins you in the quiet places. I find encounters with nature spiritual. I am one who glows with joy in the woods. I am one who is as steady, massive, and centered as a sequoia. I am an old soul. 

What is your gift or message for me?

Cherish the journey and the companionship.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to engage on the journey and do more than come along for the ride. Pay as much attention to the trip as you do to the destination.

Why did you show up today?

To say hello and warm you with a reminder of my presence.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is passive, stuck.

Numb - Phaeleh

 

SoulCollage® Companion Suit: 7th Chakra - Crown - Eggs

 

I am one who exists before beginning. I am unhindered by the material world. I am one who is being, becoming, generation, and flow. I am formless and contained in all.

What is your gift or message for me?

Don't allow your senses to confine you. As you were in the beginning, you are in the end. 

What do you want me to do?

Bathe in connection.

Why did you show up today?

You are changing, and I emerged.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is intellectualization and disconnection from the unseen.

What The Doctor Said

What The Doctor Said

He said it doesn't look good
he said it looks bad in fact real bad
he said I counted thirty-two of them on one lung before
I quit counting them
I said I'm glad I wouldn't want to know
about any more being there than that
he said are you a religious man do you kneel down
in forest groves and let yourself ask for help
when you come to a waterfall
mist blowing against your face and arms
do you stop and ask for understanding at those moments
I said not yet but I intend to start today
he said I'm real sorry he said
I wish I had some other kind of news to give you
I said Amen and he said something else
I didn't catch and not knowing what else to do
and not wanting him to have to repeat it
and me to have to fully digest it
I just looked at him
for a minute and he looked back it was then
I jumped up and shook hands with this man who'd just given me
something no one else on earth had ever given me
I may have even thanked him habit being so strong

--Raymond Carver

SoulCollage® Companion Suit: 6th Chakra - Third Eye - Owl

I am one who perceives using intuition. I am one who envisions that which is hidden. I sense movement and can detect it from a distance. I fly high enough to see from a broad perspective. I symbolize wisdom. 

What is your gift or message for me?

To open your third eye, be sure all other senses are in balance with their corresponding chakras.

What do you want me to do?

Recognize the difference between perceptions and data gathered by senses and intuitive knowledge. Keep listening and seeing through your energy. 

Why did you show up today?

To reinforce your progress. 

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is elevating the third eye above all other chakras. They are all integral.

SoulCollage® Companion Suit: 5th Chakra - Throat - Humpback Whale

I am one who is social and thrives in community. I am one who dances to the rhythm of the moon and tides. I am one who dives deeply and lives in the Mystery. I am one who sings even if no one is listening. I am a Presence to be reckoned with. 

What is your gift or message for me?

You were given your body and mind to use, so use them. You have a right to voice your ideas and to sing. It may seem that no one is listening, but have faith in the joy of the act and that someone is benefitting.

What do you want me to do?

Develop, cultivate, nurture your communities. Listen to the wisdom of the rhythms in your life. Keep diving deep.

Why did you show up today?

Because you asked for a reminder to use your voice.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is an echo chamber, a closed loop.

It's NOT a Journey

Last Tuesday I learned that I have breast cancer. It wasn't a surprise, since it runs through the maternal line of my family. However, I'd hoped to be at least in my seventies before I heard the words. Because it does run in the family, I've been getting annual mammograms and MRIs for the past 15 years after a suspicious development was found and removed in 2011. The cancer was found via MRI.

Even though it was caught early, even though the tumors are small, even though I've been told it's slow-growing and have an excellent prognosis, the fact is that I have an illness that could eventually kill me.

I need to get genetic testing, because apparently there are new ways to identify vulnerability to cancers. I need to decide whether to do a lumpectomy + radiation + 5-10 years of medication (with gnarly side effects), or to get a bilateral mastectomy (major amputation surgery) and hope that this eliminates the risk. The problem is, cancer can come back in other locations. One stray cancer cell that evades treatment can migrate somewhere else and not be identified until it's quite advanced. Additionally, my mother had metastatic melanoma as well as breast cancer. She had both at the time of her death. So, I have a 50% chance of developing melanoma.

While we all die of something eventually, knowing shifts and hits different when you are told your body has been overtaken by renegade cells.

I'm 62, and I've worked hard over the past four years to get healthy, including losing 75 pounds, doing strength training and cardio regularly, and eating nutritious food. I appreciate my body and all it can do. I've cherished the improvement of my health; I made this change because I witnessed my mother's drastic and painful decline, which resulted partly from neglect, and I want a more functional elderhood. I was looking forward to launching my kid to college this fall and having an empty nest and new adventures with my husband.

Now all that comes to a screeching halt. 

I loathe the term "journey." It romanticizes an experience that is fucking traumatic. This is not a journey. Nor is it an expedition, a trek, a trip, a safari, or a passage of any kind. It is a goddamn inconvenience. It is frightening and painful and difficult. It is an obstacle to joy and thriving. If you want to help, don't use that word when communicating with me. I'm slow to anger, but these days my tolerance is paper-thin.

SoulCollage® Companion Suit: 4th Chakra - Heart - Caterpillar Butterfly

 

I am one who begins life in one form, and through the miracle of metamorphosis, transforms into a radically different being. Although I am completely changed, I also remain the same. I enter life crawling and die flying. I unite the tangible and mystical. The symmetry of my form reflects the perfection of unconditional love. 

What is your gift or message for me?

Transformation is possible.

What do you want me to do?

Trust that life has a purpose, and trust the metamorphosis. 

Why did you show up today?

As a beacon during your process.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is intellectual or spiritual flightiness. 

SoulCollage® Companion Suit: 3rd Chakra - Solar Plexus - Honeybee

 

I am one who is a keystone species. The survival of many depends on my work. I am diligent. I am one who is intricately involved in the web of life, who fertilizes and fosters growth. I am one who lives in community and works seamlessly with others toward our common goal: living and thriving. I communicate intuitively with others. I perceive energy around me and read the world this way.

What is your gift or message for me?

The tasks of your ordinary life are essential to the well-being of the world. Your small efforts compound and multiply. They matter. You matter.

What do you want me to do?

Be the guardian of your intuition. Access it, become intimate with it, trust it. Also take care of yourself, and shelter yourself as needed in the hive -- your spiritual community and practice. 

Why did you show up today?

The emergence of your intuitive power has invited me.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The light is deepening intimacy with the universe and all that is in it. The shadow is passivity and resignation.

SoulCollage® Companion Suit: 2nd Chakra - Sacral - Bonobos

I am one who lives in peaceable community. Rather than fight, I prefer to resolve disagreements lovingly, intimately, and depending on the relationship, sometimes sensually. Love and friendship integrate and form the core of my life. I am one who prefers experiencing the energy of creativity, sex, and emotions without words and with all my senses.

What is your gift or message for me?

Sensuality and sexuality are delicious parts of life. Bathe in them, don't avoid them.

What do you want me to do?

Let yourself be sexual. Let yourself enjoy your body fully. Be a phenomenal woman.

Why did you show up today?

Because you are creating a peace with your body, and this is healing. 

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow would be allowing sex (the act and the gender) to take over everything or misusing it with others. 

Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries
Are outside the line
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes
But I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

SoulCollage® Companion Suit: 1st Chakra - Root - Turtle

I am one who lives intimately with the roots of the earth. I am one who is hardy. I am one who moves deliberately. I am one who travels at the speed of eternity. I carry the earth and its Source in me.

What is your gift or message for me?

There is beauty in what is unadorned. What looks plain can be rich and powerful. Look within and love it. 

What do you want me to do?

Love your body. Love what you are. See the fullness of your form. Be grateful.

Why did you show up today?

When you meditated on the root chakra, the Native American lore of turtle being the foundation holding up Earth came to mind. Thirteen moons o turtle's back represents connection with earth, moon, and universe.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is overly focusing only on the concrete and tangible.