The Freshman Deposit

This photo is me and my kiddo, Bean. It's the night before the big move-in day for college. An impromptu photo at the restaurant. Tuesday was move-in day and orientation. It went very well, though it was poignant and exhausting. My husband and I long ago had a "Babymoon" when I was five months pregnant (we'd never gotten a honeymoon). Since Bean is attending college in the Pacific Northwest, where we took the Babymoon, we reprised part of that on the drive home. And we decided to name this overall trip "The Freshman Deposit." Cuz we deposited him at school, and this whole endeavor is a deposit for his future. 

It's not a California summer road trip without construction and one-lane roads with long waits. We encountered eight of them in one day.

But the coastal redwoods sure are beautiful!

Now I'm home in this weirdly quiet house. It's not as though Bean made much noise, but I feel the absence of his energy profoundly. Mr. Aenigmas and I will need to develop a new normal. 

I suppose I could feel grateful that the foxes left a welcome home gift. Crow! (Ew.) Yes, at least one fox has remained and made our yard home. I see it sometimes wander through in the afternoon. Sigh. I really am grateful to live alongside wildlife even if I need to clean up gruesome gifts. (Sometimes they return to eat leftovers, but this looks like it had been around a few days.)

A Favorite Time In My Life

Time is such a notion, isn't it? We humans use a system to organize our experience into past, present, and future, which is useful psychologically and for conducting life's business. When I am creating, however, time disappears for me. So I suppose that a favorite time in my life is whenever I am not experiencing time consciously. That's kind of trippy to me. Whenever I'm writing, such as this post, or making art, or reading, or even hiking or sitting in the woods, that is my favorite time of my life. When I have an engaging conversation with a friend over a meal and my heart feels connected and expansive, that is a favorite time of my life.

I do have gauzy memories of other experiences in the past that felt like this. Camping trips with my family as a little girl, where I played endless imagination games or swam for hours at a lake. And yes, I have memories that are not favorite, that involve pain and suffering, and for me those are always more vivid, and they demand center stage. Over the years I've developed a practice to turn my attention away from them and to deliberately focus on the good. I don't judge or block the negative, yet I try to give what is positive equal attention.

This applies to future, too. I'm very adept at doom thinking and worries, and I've rarely been a dreamer about future plans and aspirations -- it's as if I'm afraid if I dare dream of something I want, "something" will call it arrogance and teach me a lesson by not manifesting that. I know this is rooted in several things: my personality, which is inherently attuned more to negatives; an authoritarian father who wielded power destructively in childhood (and adulthood, to be honest); and a religious upbringing focused on sin, humans being inherently broken, guilt, and fear of punishment. So I have spent my life navigating and learning how to live in a way that allows me more "favorite" times. At 63, I'm getting better at it. 

Happy Independence Day!

I want to celebrate something today, and this story is definitely at the top of my list. Kelsey Pfendler just rowed all by herself, unassisted, from Monterey to Hawaii, over 2,400 miles! She did it in 43 days, which means she broke the record for speed for all genders (that's 50-55 miles a day!). She turned 32 during the trip. She's the youngest person and first American woman to do this. In the process, she raised money for a nonprofit that provides mental and physical health services to Grand Canyon river guides, The Whale Foundation. Her Facebook videos through her trip are uplifting and educational. I figure this is a reason to celebrate the 4th. 

In her last video on the water, she encouraged people to take the risk and do the big, hard, scary thing standing between them and a dream. I'm reminded that when I was 31 (1994), my big hard scary thing was moving sight unseen over 1,800 miles from Syracuse, NY, to Austin, TX with no job or abode secured. I disposed of many possessions to lighten my load and shipped some boxes to my brother. I paid off my car loan and loaded up my little Blue Belle. Then I drove into a new life. The big hard scary things didn't stop once I arrived. It took several years to gain a sense of stability, belonging, and confidence. The next big hard scary thing I did was quit my job and go to graduate school to become a psychotherapist. That was a project. I graduated in 1999, and received my license in 2003. 

These feats put me on a trajectory toward a life I had scarcely dreamed I could have. We can do hard things!

This quote is what I referred to repeatedly as I prepared to move to Texas. 

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

- William Hutchison Murray,The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

Poem to Myself

Poem to Myself

No one knows the gray fox that dreams in me.
No one knows that my heart is a curious puzzle

  I carry through the night toward the horizon.

No one knows the wonder I savor.

But I do. I do.

I will wake today and chase my senses.

I will walk today and notice the details.

I will explore until I catch the Mystery.

Gray fox, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming.

-Kathryn Harper

How I Read

 

I read a lot. My mind requires it, just as much as my body needs to breathe, and I need sleep, and to eat. 

I saw the image above on social media the other day, and it captured the essence of my reading style. I left a comment: "Yes! I think of reading as a kind of transubstantiation (if you're Catholic you'll grok the term). Something wonderfully mysterious happens in reading that changes me as a reader, and I don't completely have to understand or remember details for the experience to have a benefit."

I'm in the process of reading several novels, and as of the end of June I'll have read 28 books. My goal is 52, but I'll see how it goes. 

The three fiction standouts so far are Loved and Missed, James, and Orbital.

I read all of Andrea Gibson's poetry, and love Lord of the Butterflies the most.

My inner nerd thoroughly devoured The Devil's Teeth: a True Story of Obsession and Survival Among America's Great White Sharks. No open water swimming in the Pacific Ocean for me! 

And I read a book for a reading club that really aligned with an inner shift, and helped me to clarify goals. That book is Life in Five Senses: How Exploring the Senses Got Me Out of My Head and Into the World. With the ICE invasions and murders in Minnesota in January, I realized that my well-being relies on getting off social media and news sites. I became so aware that I don't want to be on my death bed regretting that I had not made more art. The book (which I listened to) alerted me to many small practices I can employ to actually live my life. Not long after this shift and reading the book, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Ok, universe, my dear AmoreVita, message received and action engaged.

Stage Two

I'm almost seven weeks out from the lumpectomy and bilateral reduction. I'm learning about the complexity of healing involved. I've had a "granulating wound healing by secondary intention," which is an open wound where the sutures didn't quite heal after surgery, and it needs to heal from the inside out. My breasts are also re-vascularizing, which takes time. The incisions are healing very well (except that one spot), and my body feels more like me. I still have to pace my activity. If I do a lot one day, the next day requires a slower pace. No hikes for me yet!

On Monday I begin radiation, which I'm referring to as stage two. My good fortune is that the surgery got all the tumor, which was very, very small, with no lymph node involvement. Because it was so small and localized, I qualify for partial breast radiation of only five sessions every other day. Again, a case for early detection when there is a family history and/or dense breast tissue. The MRI caught the cancer, not the mammogram. I expect there will be an aftereffect of fatigue once it's done. But only five sessions!

Once I'm done with that on July 1, I'll begin taking the aromatase inhibitors, a medication that targets this cancer if it recurs in another part of my body. I'm to take this for five years. The only concern is that it can cause severe joint pain, brain fog, and osteoporosis. Having worked very hard to lose weight and become fit and enjoying the absence of joint pain as a result, I hope this isn't a side effect I have to deal with. If I can't tolerate the med I was prescribed, there are other ones, though they all have similar beastly side effects. And perhaps I'll be lucky again and not experience any. (The osteoporosis is a concern, since my mother had it severely and my Dexa scan last year showed early bone thinning.) 

One step at a time. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Visionary

 

I am the One who wonders and imagines about our origins. I enjoy the unknowable. I am the One who explores. I am the One who dances on the edge.

What is your gift or message for me?

The questions aren't necessarily meant to be answered; they exist to inspire wonder and gratitude.

What do you want me to do?

Meet the unknown within you.

Why did you show up today?

You are ready.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is unconsciousness. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Seeker

I am the One who is insatiably hungry and thirsty for knowledge. I am the one who is connected to Big Mind. I am the one who would sacrifice health for understanding. I am the one who values knowledge.

What is your gift or message for me?

The message is "You'll never know everything," and there are other ways of knowing. Stay open to all the paths. 

What do you want me to do?

Let knowledge embody you. Go beyond knowing in your head. Be grateful for curiosity and trust where it will lead you.

Why did you show up today?

I showed up because I see the Seeker in my daughter as a precious responsibility to acknowledge and nurture. 

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is mistaking knowledge for reality. And the shadow is also confusing ego, or small mind, with Presence, or Big Mind. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Observer

I am the One who observes. I am the One who is the noticer. I am the One who is camouflaged and easy to miss, but I am always present. I am the One who records and speaks through the word.

What is your gift or message for me?

The act of observation and paying attention is an expression of love.

What do you want me to do?

Be the conduit. Write what you see and experience. Write what you think.

Why did you show up today?

Because you're ignoring yourself and you are ignoring your need to connect.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is confining yourself to simply observing and not giving yourself to expression. The light is the healing and life that comes from engaging in the total process.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Networker

             

I am the One who travels and plants seeds. I am the one who adds color, noise, and music to life. I explore new environments and find ways to make a nest anywhere. I am the one who builds community out of many different participants. 

What is your gift or message for me?

Every connection matters. It's fruitful to participate in the world. 

What do you want me to do?

Take more risks. Stop telling yourself that the world of your senses is too impermanent to bother with. See the value of the type of life the ego creates.

Why did you show up today?

Because you've been hiding behind spiritual ideas as a lofty excuse when it is really just fear of mess and conflict, and you are being called to change.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The light is that life can actually be a game and games can be fund, and you need to go and play. The shadow is getting wrapped up in superficial parts of the networks and getting distracted. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Mystic

I am the One who has a strong back, who knows that there are billions of windows to understanding. I am the one through whom the universe flows. I am the one who is being gestated. I am the one who is bigger than the boundaries others place on me. 

What is your gift or message for me?

That strength and flexibility can co-exist, and it's okay to be dizzy and overwhelmed by the unknowable, and to trust. 

What do you want me to do?

Practice stillness, opens yourself wide, relax.

Why did you show up today?

I am always here. It's just that you were ready to see me today.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is distraction.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Muse

 

I am the One who plants seeds and inspires your creative process. I am the One who connects you to the unknown; I am your companion and inspiration.

What is your gift or message for me?

Let go of worrying and trust the process.

What do you want me to do?

To find me you need to engage with me, so get cracking.

Why did you show up today?

You are folding in on yourself with worry, and I came to remind you -- you only have the present and creation is now.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is too many ideas at once which makes for distraction. The light is that you are part of creation. 

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Hunter

I am the One who hunts and kills. I am focused, unsentimental, and purposeful. I hunt with intention. I am strong, lethal, and efficient.

What is your gift or message for me?

Sometimes life requires sacrifice. Life can require you to sacrifice your softness to do what is hard, even if it hurts others.

What do you want me to do?

This is a shadow side you avoid. Acknowledge it.

Why did you show up today?

To challenge you.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The light is that an ending is also a beginning. It is all of a piece.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: Mother Protector

I am the One who is a fierce protector of the vulnerable. I am the One who is a warrior mother with fire in my heart. I am the One who willingly confronts threats.

What is your gift or message for me?

Motherhood is not always tender, cuddly, and gentle

What do you want me to do?

Be strong with your child and for your child.

Why did you show up today?

Because you're finding mothering to be hard. You want your child to be different... easier, and more compliant. But that is not who she is, and she needs your strength.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is the desire to flee confrontation and conflict. The light is that love's fire illuminates what is needed.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: Innocence

I am the One who lives boldly and gets messy. I am the one who resists growing up. I am the one who nurtures innocence.

What is your gift or message for me?

You are here to help others connect with playfulness. There's no virtue in growing up before you have to.

What do you want me to do?

Continue your path nurturing the school community and practice being empathetic with C as she begins to experience growing up awareness.

Why did you show up today?

Because C is changing and it's important to tend to her innocence and protect it.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The light is joy, and the shadow is immaturity.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: Fortitude

I am the One who feels gutted and alone. I am the One who feels exposed, who is empty. I am the One who will take small detours to nurture others. Sometimes I find it painful to be here but I follow the road.

What is your gift or message for me?

Being exposed is no cause for fear; it is a way to connection. Pain is the idea of separation.

What do you want me to do?

Keep walking into the empty house. Keep walking on the road. Be in your body, and trust in wholeness. Love yourself. Cradle your heart.

Why did you show up today?

My filters are fragile. I'm worn down. Knowledge of Robin Williams' suicide has affected me, touched a part of me that understands. Because this part of me is strength and requires recognition.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow side of this would be manic happiness, a denial of how hard it is to be here. The light is that I am still here.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: Fertility

I am the One who is fertile. I am the one who feeds the world and nurtures life. I am the one who brings color out of darkness and form to nothingness. I am the one who is energy, who scatters seeds of energy everywhere. I am the one who cannot be stopped.

What is your gift or message for me?

I still have life in me. I still can create and have power. I am part of eternity.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to engage. Throw seeds around and see what grows. Take the materials in front of you and make new life. I want you to be encouraged.

Why did you show up today?

To remind you that all droughts have an end. This is the end of your drought.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The potential for suffocation, overgrowth, obscuration.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: The Beginner

I am the One who steps over thresholds. I am the one who takes the leap of faith. I am the one who sees the universe in drops of water, for whom the infinitesimal and infinite are synonymous. I am the one who understands the present moment is an eternity in itself, that the beginning is completion.

What is your gift or message for me?

Trust life. Touch your connection to it and nourish it.

What do you want me to do?

Notice when you are bored or distracted, and return to what is at hand. 

Why did you show up today?

You've been anxious about C's new teacher and the school year, and I invite you to be with me, the infinite moment of beginning.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is planning and worrying about the future. The light is Presence.

SoulCollage® Council Suit: Eternal Return

 

I am the One who changes. I am transition. I am a window into death and into life. I am one who marries space and form. I am billions. And I am one who is the root of stillness underneath the frenzy.

What is your gift or message for me?

Silence is the window into life beyond this existence.

What do you want me to do?

Make time for more silence; immerse yourself.

Why did you show up today?

Lately dying and death have been weighing on me and the fear and curiosity are invitations to really see.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is resignation and apathy.

The light is a glimpse of unity.