Crossroads

Crossroads

My body, now that we will not be traveling together much longer 

I begin to feel a new tenderness toward you, very raw and unfamiliar, 

like what I remember of love when I was young -- 

love that was so often foolish in its objectives 

but never in its choices, its intensities.

Too much demanded in advance, too much that could not be promised --

My soul has been so fearful, so violent: 

forgive its brutality.

As though it were that soul, my hand moves over you cautiously,

not wishing to give offense

but eager, finally, to achieve expression as substance:

it is not the earth I will miss, 

it is you I will miss.

- Louise Glück

Farewell Sweet Misty

In February I shared a post about Misty, our pet rabbit. She was diagnosed with cancer. We opted for palliative care and kept a sharp eye on her. On Sunday I woke to see that she was incontinent, her breathing was rapid, and she could hardly move. It was obvious that she was in pain, and waiting until her vet appointment two days hence would cause needless suffering. So we cried and loved on her and took her to the emergency vet, where we cried some more and let her go. 

The house feels empty. This little furball shaped our lives for seven years. She got us through Covid, middle and high school, the physical changes of my kiddo's puberty, and she was sweet and soft the entire time. She had a spicy personality and liked her autonomy. We learned to love and laugh at her "fuck you" kicks that sometimes followed if we did something she disliked. 

And that bun loved her fresh food -- especially bananas, pears, and apples. But veggies too. 

Our house is full of tears and good memories. 

How God Remembers That Which is Least

This was originally written in January 2016.

Yesterday I walked home from dropping my daughter at school, and I passed by a wounded mourning dove on the sidewalk. It was camouflaged and nearly undetectable. In a matter of seconds my eye saw it, my heart said, Oh! Poor creature, and my legs kept walking. I thought -- actually, I felt a physical pressure in my torso -- the prompt of compassion to move it off the sidewalk, and this was immediately chased away by the thought, Remember, avian flu, don't want to get something like that.

I kept walking, but a debate occurred between my mind and that felt part of me. I hesitate to call it my heart, because it filled my torso. It was an interesting experience, since another part of me was detached enough to witness the event. This is what unfolded:

Feet are walking.

Head: Keep going. It could have disease.

Heart: You can wash your hands as soon as you get home. It's vulnerable. At least move it off the sidewalk.

Head: It's probably going to die.

Feet keep walking.

Heart: Just move it! Even if it dies, let it be somewhere safer.

Head: No, it's silly. It's just a bird. Not a big deal. Besides, I'm several houses past it.

Heart: Go back. Go back, pick it up, and put it under a bush. 

Feet move more slowly.

Head: You're kidding, right? Feet, keep walking. It's no big deal.

Feet continue to move, even more slowly.

Heart: You must go back. Turn around, walk back, and move the bird. It's a living creature.

Feet stop.

Head: Really?

Heart: Really.

My body turned around, my feet walked half a block back to the bird. I leaned down and gently cupped my hands around it. I lifted the bird and saw that it was dead. Its eyes remained open, but there was not even the slightest movement of a feather. I tucked it under a bush. I wasn't thinking. The act itself felt like a prayer. I took out my phone and snapped a picture. It was just a bird, but it had been living and now it wasn't. It seemed right to memorialize it in a photo. Then I stood up and began walking home.

Peace coursed through my body. It was an act of compassion, however small.

Heart: Thank you.

Head: Okay, just be sure to wash your hands really well when you get home.

Today, a scripture from my childhood came to mind, Luke 12:6: "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God."

We are God's eyes. We are called to remember. That is how God moves in the world.

Wailin' Jennies - Storm Comin'

When that storm comes
Don’t run for cover
When that storm comes
Don’t run for cover
When that storm comes
Don’t run for cover
Don’t run from the comin’ storm cause there ain’t no use in runnin’

When that rain falls
Let it wash away
When that rain falls
Let it wash away
When that rain falls
Let it wash away
Let it wash away, that falling rain, the tears and the trouble

When those lights flash
Then you’ll hear that thunder roar
When those lights flash
You’ll hear that thunder roar
When those lights flash
You’ll hear that thunder roar
Will you listen to that thunder roar and let your spirit soar

When that love calls
Will you open up your door
When that love calls
Will you open up your door
When that love calls
Will you open up your door
You gotta stand on up and let it in, you gotta let love through your door

When that storm comes
Don’t run for cover
When that storm comes
Don’t run for cover
When that storm comes
Don’t run for cover
Don’t run from the comin’ storm
Cause you cant keep a storm from comin’

Max McNown - A Lot More Free (Official Music Video)

Leaves start falling my cold wind blows
And soon get covered by the winter snow
Birds start singin' when the spring rolls 'round
Flowers blooming through the thawing ground

When you love somebody and the love grows cold
The sun starts shining when you let it all go
There's a certain kinda hurting only time can heal
That's a pretty good picture of the way I feel

I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free
I ain't saying that you never took a toll on me
For what it's worth, I can finally see
That I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free
Yeah, I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free

From this mountain I can see so far
Rivers running like deep deep scars
Carrying the lifeblood through my veins
Is it crazy that I'm grateful for all the pain?

'Cause I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free
I ain't saying that you never took a toll on me
For what it's worth, I can finally see
That I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free
Yeah, I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free

Sara Bareilles, Salt Then Sour Then Sweet (Lyrics)

Give me the light years
But I want the dark ones, too
Grief is the singer in my band
She's a passenger van
And a shortcut straight to the truth

Learn from the nightshades
They grow in the darkest places
Had we not been stung so many times
Would we ever have arrived
At this heaven on Earth that I don't wanna waste

Pick a lucky penny up
And I'll marry you for your money, love

So keep the Novocain out of my wisdom teeth
Want to feel it all
Salt then sour then sweet
Want to kiss you and write love's name on my crumbling walls
Lay them at your feet with the rest of me
Salt then sour then sweet

Come to the porch, love
Look up at the perfect sky
Holding the sun and the moon and the thundering June
While she teaches the birds and the rain how to fly

I don't need perfect
I just want to touch what's true
I want to cherish the trying
And the living and dying
Make big mistakes the way kind people do

Pick a lucky penny up
And I'll marry you for your money, love

So keep the Novocain out of my wisdom teeth
Want to feel it all
Salt then sour then sweet
Want to kiss you and write love's name on my crumbling walls
Lay them at your feet with the rest of me
Nothing more I need
Nothing more I need
Life is lovably
Salt then sour then sweet

So sweet
So sweet
So sweet
Life is lovably
So sweet, so sweet
So sweet

Ayla Nereo - Take It Slow

 

 

Take it slow, and don’t get in your way
Keep it movin’ at the pace of every weather
Look within, and don’t forget you are surrounded by the wind
As it rushes in your lungs

Oh Honey — you are born of the moon
Precious cave, don’t forget there is unknown inside you
Don’t turn away from yourself by bein’ like somebody else
You are tide crashin’ over and call of the mountains
And your darkest tunnels are where your light come from

So take it slow, what you long for’s on its way
Don’t stop reachin’, taste the sound of every color
Deep within, let your wild be uncaged
Run with the wind and rush into its lungs

Oh Honey — you are born of the moon
Precious cave, don’t forget there is unknown inside you
Don’t turn away from yourself by bein’ like somebody else
You are tide crashin’ over and call of the mountains
And your darkest tunnels are where your light come from
Oh aim for the journey, and grow with the night
Be brave in your loving, keep steady your sight

Oh Honey — you are born of the moon
Precious cave, don’t forget there is unknown inside you
Don’t turn away from yourself
By bein’ like somebody else
Don’t turn away…

I Have a Sad

This is Misty, our rabbit, from younger days. She is doing what she does best: chilling. We adopted her at one year of age in March 2019, and she has been a silly, feisty, sweet presence in our family. 

Until this month, she has been in stellar health. We took her for a routine annual exam a couple weeks ago, and a mass on her left arm was discovered. The biopsy confirmed it is cancer. As prey animals, rabbits are rather fragile. Sometimes they even die under anesthesia. A domestic rabbit lifespan is about 8-12 years, and she is just shy of eight.

So our family decided it would not be kind to put Misty through a major surgery and chemotherapy. The x-rays show the mass embedded in the arm in such a way that surgery would not get the entire tumor. For the time being, Misty is as energetic as ever. She eats with gusto, her GI system works well, and she is her cuddly self. Her movement isn't hindered much at this point. We've opted for palliative care and all the rabbit treats she wants, and we'll watch her closely to know when her life quality has decreased. 

I've loved this little bun. And I feel heavy, knowing what is coming.

Resurrection

Resurrection

Healing began when her eyes beheld herself,
her heart quickening at the recognition
that she wanted to live again.
Restoring soul to body is a process of reconciliation.

The journey began with a decision to be touched.

There is a vital difference in the quality
of being touched and receiving touch.
Tender as a mother, sensuous as a lover,
transcending into power and wholeness.

When the hour is done, she knows she is a
beloved daughter, a beautiful woman,
having given her entire self,
body and soul, into the hands of Love.

-Kathryn Harper

“Massage” by Jean-Louis GANDON, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

How I Spent Today

I spent part of today participating in the online volunteering with Action for Happiness. 

Originally I was seeking community, a group to visit and participate in locally in person. And perhaps I will find this. However, there are no groups associated with this organization in the western United States, so I figured I'd take the free training and see what develops. 

The training was easy and the concepts are simple. As with much wisdom, simple does not equate with low-effort. Experiencing joy on the regular is a practice; it only develops with continuous effort. 

AFH organizes itself around ten key points that form an acronym: GREAT DREAM. Attending to these keys contribute to one's own happiness as well as that of others. Additionally, not doing harm is a potent contribution to well-being. 

Giving: doing kind things for others

These acts can be small! The driver who is trying to merge into your lane? Let her. Look at the clerk as he rings up your purchase and say hello sincerely. Not adding to unhappiness also counts; if you're tempted to flip someone off because they did something thoughtless, take a breath and let it go.

   

Relating: connect with other people

We live in a digital world, and we've succumbed to the idea that social media is truly connection. To an extent it does provide connection, but in a limited way. We need to share space with others, to speak to people in person, or on the phone in real time engagement. We've got to leave our safe little caves where we watch the shadows on the wall and call that interaction, and take a little risk to participate in the three dimensional world.

 

Exercising: take care of your body

One thing I have discovered in the past three years is that my body -- and yours -- needs to move. And it deserves to move and feel good, even if it's not in great shape or sized according to cultural standards. In August 2022 I realized I was on a bad trajectory with what I ate, how I moved, and the weight I carried. I was in pain, and I knew that the extra weight would create more health problems as I age. So I began to move -- short stints of strength training -- to get strong. Only after I became a bit stronger did I begin to change how I ate. I knew I had to figure out how to eat to drop weight but in a way that didn't make me rebel and drop out. What worked for me was accepting that I need to record what I eat diligently; I can eat whatever I want, but I need to be honest with myself. This enabled me to better understand my energy needs. Three years later, I've dropped 77 pounds. I'm technically still overweight, but it's a whole new life. Exercise makes me feel centered, and sometimes it makes me feel awesome. You deserve to move!

 

Awareness: live mindfully

This buzzword, along with "zen", has permeated culture for the past couple of decades, but what does it really mean? For me, it means pausing, breathing, experiencing my senses, even if for one minute. It means staying off my phone while I eat and actually savoring the food. To listen to the sounds of my neighborhood. To take a break from my buzzing thoughts.

 

Trying Out: keep learning new things

Anything new! A recipe. A hobby. Read a new genre of book. Try a puzzle. Explore Duolingo. Learning keeps us vital. A curious mind prevents boredom.  

 

Direction: have goals to look forward to

What would you like to accomplish or change in your life? It could be a big goal. These are best approached in smaller stages. Or your goal could be to take a vacation, try a new cuisine, or go to bed a bit more regularly for better sleep. 

 

Resilience: find ways to bounce back 

This can be hard. We are evolutionarily designed to look for danger, to be cautious, which can result in seeing threat everywhere, feeling competitive, and judging oneself harshly for falling short. There is one person who will be with you and never leave you: yourself. Our life work is to learn to be our own friend and loving parent to ourselves, even if we did not receive ideal parenting. To try and if we fail, to say, "It's okay. Learning takes effort. I'm allowed to be imperfect and grow." 

 

Emotions: look for what's good

Again, we can get caught in negative assessments and stories of ourselves and others, and of the world. I'm not suggesting you be toxically positive and to ignore feelings such as sadness, disappointment, or anger. I'm asking you not to shortchange yourself by dismissing the good. If you are temperamentally more pessimistic, as I am, this will take effort. In my effort to be "an informed citizen" I find myself doomscrolling the news, but that brings me down. And it helps no one. So I balance this by turning my attention to appreciating the good as much as I can. 

 

Acceptance: be comfortable with who you are

This is a life project. It's connected to resilience. To accept that it's all right to make mistakes, to mess up -- it's a fact of being alive. What matters is learning, and learning to repair when needed. It's knowing some things about yourself that you like, and knowing your strengths, as well as knowing the areas you would like to change or need to improve, and being reasonable with your self-assessment. 

 

Meaning: be part of something bigger

We are not just here for our own satisfaction and gain. We need each other. Humans seek and create meaning in their lives. We are already part of something bigger. This understanding has the potential to make one feel insignificant, but it also means that we belong in the natural order of things. Someone asked me recently what I love about myself. My answer was: "That "I" am a universe of systems and life forms existing in a larger universe of life forms in this mystery." My body is made of cells, systems (skeletal, muscular, vascular, etc.) and bacteria populate it everywhere. All of it contributes to my existence. In turn, I am part of a family, a city, a state, a country, a culture, the human race, the world, the universe. I interact with all of it and have impact. I matter. So do you.

Perhaps you'd like to join me?

This Year's Intentions

I took this photo at Maker Faire last fall. It's difficult to explain what this was, but people were invited to enter into this space of whirling light. It depicts how time feels to me. Soon enough we'll say good-bye to 2026. Here is what I aim for in my life practice.

Daily

• I will continue to meditate daily for five minutes; it's the holy pause, and even brief episodes have a positive impact.
• Each day I walk, at a minimum, 2,000 steps; given my sedentary job and life, it stuns me how few steps I could take if I don't make the effort. Last year my average was 4,835 steps (2.28 miles per day).
• Read a book -- it requires deep attention.

Weekly

• Make art. It can be small, quick, and simple. Or it can be elaborate.
• Seek and invite spending time with my child, who is leaving in eight months.
• Date night with Hub; this has vastly improved our connection in the past several years.
• See clients -- my work, which I really enjoy.
• Exercise four to five times a week, including strength training.
• Write one blog entry.

Monthly

• See friends!
• Go on side quests with Hub.
• Attend Open Studio with friends.

Yearly

• Improve overall physical fitness, including shedding more weight.
• Read at least 30 books.
• Travel with Hub on a couple of trips.
• Get my child moved to college.
• Explore and create new community.
• Attend a few Ecstatic Dances.

Throughout the year I will check in with myself to ensure I'm attending to these small projects that help me to live richly. 

Amazing Bake!

It's been awhile since I've rolled dough and prepped pies. But for Christmas Eve and Day (and beyond), we will enjoy the decadence of chocolate pecan pie and apple pie. May your holidays offer a bit of sweetness and light.

Marcel The Shell With Shoes On | Official Trailer HD | A24

If you ever get a chance to watch this quirky movie, you won't regret it. That is, if you enjoy movies about love, connection, grief, joy, and wonder.  

The Huron Carol - Canadian Christmas Chant

Poem: A Therapy Hour

As a therapist, this reads true. It's not a script. For me, the poem evokes the essence of being a therapist, meeting whatever the client brings, staying present and authentic. Of course therapy also involves deeper responses, examinations of beliefs and thought patterns, skill practice.

Click to enlarge for better reading.

Poem: Little Hymn

Click the poem to enlarge it for reading. 

NPR Tiny Desk Contest 2023 - Andrea Gibson - MAGA HAT IN THE CHEMO ROOM

 

 

Andrea Gibson's brilliant force has departed their body. They were a beacon of courage and compassion communicated through poetry. I mourn our loss. May their brilliance and love manifest forever. 

 

Andrea Gibson's website.

 

Andrea Gibson's Substack.

Happy Solstice

I was born a few days after summer solstice, and I have always thrived on light.

Very soon I will visit a place where the sun shines about 23 hours a day this time of year. Alaska!

This summer I ease into trusting potential. I embrace the new and stretch into awareness. I celebrate this experience. 

Comes And Goes (In Waves)

This one's for the lonely, the one's that seek and find
Only to be let down, time after time
This one's for the torn down, the experts at the fall
Come on friends, get up now, you're not alone at all
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
And this part was for her and this part was for her
This part was for her, does she remember?
It comes and goes in waves, I
This one's for the faithless, the ones that are surprised
They're only where they are now, regardless of their fight
This one's for believing, if only for its sake
Come on friends, get up now, love is to be made
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
And this part was for her and this part was for her
This part was for her, does she remember?
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
Why I try
This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
Why I fly

All Kinds of Things for Love

[A Debt]
in a dream, i saw my mother
before she was made mine. her
life still unburdened by the weight
of raising someone. no one has left her
to be in a grave & she is yet to know
where the nearest cemetery is. 
when she runs across the field, no tiny footprints 
gather next to her steps. her 
hunger simply hers alone. 
we do all kinds of things for love. look at me. 
look at me returning her life to her. 
even in a dream.
--noor unnahar