Right Now - Rosi Golan

You used to quote Galileo to me in the room
Where you kept all your books and the pictures of the moon
Even though I knew it was never gonna last
Some things are better like that, mmm

I think about that moment with your dad in the fall
He never missed a beat and he loved to show you off
I didn’t know then that his time was so short
Some things we shouldn’t ignore, mmm

Like the cracks in the earth and your eyes when you hurt
How the boards in the floor left a crease in your shirt
That’s how I remember you right now
Like the fog on the street, how it made me feel
When you worked till you crashed with your hands on the wheel
That’s how I remember you right now, mmm

Somewhere in the walls of your second story flat
I hid a love letter that I can’t get back
With a picture of your dad and a word on a key
I hope you remember me

Like the cracks in the earth and your eyes when you hurt
How the boards in the floor left a crease in your shirt
That’s how I remember you right now
Like the fog on the street, how it made me feel
When you worked till you crashed with your hands on the wheel

That’s how I remember you right now, mmm
I know I shouldn’t pull the thread on the sweater that I’m wearing
But I can’t help but unravel
My heart it gets the best of me
You said you’d never fall in love in the dead of the winter
That’s how I remember you right now
Right now

SoulCollage® Community Suit: My Sunshine

 

I am one who brings light to your life. I am one who sparks your creativity. I am one who lives as your heart outside of your boy. I prove that miracles happen. I am your teacher of surrender. I am your love and your life.

What is your gift or message for me?

You are the perfect mother for me, and together we will find the way.

What do you want me to do?

Pay attention. Remember that we are born every second, and love me with all your power and imperfection.

Why did you show up today?

Because I am a force that will not go unnoticed.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is inclination to control. The light is simply celebration of her.

SoulCollage® Community Suit: Catholic Roots

I am one who was your first faith community. I taught you the importance of ritual. I was your first introduction to death. I was the one who took you in, who showed you how not to be in your spiritual journey.

What is your gift or message for me?

To remind you that Jesus and the Catholic church are not synonymous, and that there can be truth in imperfection. Messengers are fallible, but that doesn't mean the message is worthless. 

What do you want me to do?

Appreciate the foundation I provided. Continue your journey exploring the connections between Christ's message and those of other spiritual paths. Go to mass once in awhile and participate in communion with me.

Why did you show up today?

Because you miss that part of yourself. You want to connect with the girl who believe and with the holiness of ritual.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is getting swept up thinking about the heinous crimes the church has committed and forgetting the original message Christ communicated. 

Ocean Eyes - Billie Eilish

Rage Is What I Feel

Hearing "you have cancer" shifts everything. I don't want to be a fucking warrior and survivor. I want not to have cancer.

While the treatments have improved outcomes, they do so with heavy side effects and SERIOUS secondary risks to other vital organs and general health.

What I'm concerned about are cascading impacts. I'm not 45, I'm nearly 63; overall just older and more vulnerable. I have chronic kidney disease. So NSAIDS are out of the question. I have osteopenia. There may be other unidentified health issues that could emerge as a result of treatment impact. 

By cascading impact I'm thinking: Aromatase inhibitors can cause severe joint pain. This pain interferes with quality of life and reduces motivation to move, and no NSAIDS can be taken. Reluctance to push through pain and exercise thus increases, causing more poor health. Cheerleading to "push through" and exercise will only do so much. I spent years in all over body pain from my mid-40s until I dropped all my weight. I have relished feeling pain free (for the most part) and the vitality it offers. The prospective return to the pain state is depressing.

Radiation treatment can damage the heart, leading to surgery for repairs. It can damage lungs leading to breathing problems. It can cause secondary cancers. It's RADIATION.

And yes, cancer can be managed. There are people living with stage 4 cancers as chronic conditions. But it's a compromise, and capacity is reduced. Mobility and energy are severely impacted. 

Last year I was healthy. This year I have two malignant tumors. I have plans and goals that I may no longer have ability to pursue. I do not want my Mom's elderhood experience. It was miserable. It began in her mid-60s and was a long slide into pain and decrepitude.

So right now I'm enraged about this turn of events. I don't feel philosophical about this. I don't care that the big C isn't as lethal as it was decades ago. It's still lethal, and recurrence can happen, and it means living with this fact in the forefront of my mind for the rest of my days. And that's after I have surgery to amputate part or all of my breasts. Recovery from that can take painful months. Meds are hard on the body, and I get to take them for up to a decade so the breast cancer doesn't return in some other part of my body. While my bones disintegrate in the process on the medication.

We're all mortal and older, and we know this intellectually. I tell you that it feels very different, dire and scary, when it becomes the actual reality. This diagnosis feels like I got pushed off a cliff. And yes, I'm glad it's not stage 4. But it's still fucking cancer.

Comments attempting to reassure me of the good outcome possible blithely ignore the monumental impacts and suffering to potentially achieve this. Those comments are relevant to me strictly coming from women who have faced the same situation, options, and decisions.

As I learn about having multifocal/multicentric breast cancer, gather information about treatment, and face decisions, I'm not sure I have the desire or tolerance to share more details ongoing. I'm angry and grieving. I need to get through this with as much equanimity as possible. And I need to help my child cope with momma's illness while he's trying to graduate and be excited about college and launching into independence. It's fucking sad is what it is.

“rage” by roger901, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

SoulCollage® Community Suit: Ed Shirley

 

I am one who teaches and loves the questions more than the answers. I love laughing and playing music. I am comfortable with uncertainty. I am one who understands that the teachings of Buddha and Christ are connected. I am one who unites with the Mystery and understands it is possible to miss people one has never known in this world. I am one who left incarnation suddenly and without warning, but I remain. I am one who recognized the hero savior's journey int he Harry Potter series, and taught the parallels between Potter and Christianity. I am one who is fearless about death: "After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

What is your gift or message for me?

Intangible treasures exist all around you, but you need to see with the eyes of a beginner.

What do you want me to do?

Remember me as a touchstone on your journey.

Why did you show up today?

Because you honor and remember me, and in doing so you do real good in the world. 

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is intellectualizing the journey.

Technicolor Beat - Oh Wonder

SoulCollage® Community Suit: Austin

I am one who beckoned you with home and possibilities. I provided opportunities for learning, suffering, growth, and love. I am one who made you courageous. I proved the quote you held precious -- that inspired you to more 1,800 miles sight unseen, with no job or residence arranged in advance -- was true. "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur that would never otherwise have occurred." -- W. H. Murray

What is your gift or message for me?

You are powerful and brave.

What do you want me to do?

Keep taking leaps of faith.

Why did you show up today?

To congratulate you and celebrate you.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is clinging to the past in nostalgia.

SoulCollage® Community Suit: Alex

 

I am one who journeys with you. I am one who joins you in the quiet places. I find encounters with nature spiritual. I am one who glows with joy in the woods. I am one who is as steady, massive, and centered as a sequoia. I am an old soul. 

What is your gift or message for me?

Cherish the journey and the companionship.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to engage on the journey and do more than come along for the ride. Pay as much attention to the trip as you do to the destination.

Why did you show up today?

To say hello and warm you with a reminder of my presence.

If you have a shadow, what would it be? Or, what light do you offer?

The shadow is passive, stuck.

Numb - Phaeleh